AND NOW FOR ANOTHER
BIT
OF CROWLEY
DIARY
1906 e.v.
TO
1907 e.v.
THE 1906 e.v. DIARY
February. 9th. About the full moon, Consciousness began to
break through Ruach into Neschamah.
11th. Made many resolutions of a Great Retirement. In dream
flew to me an Angel, bearing an Ankh, to encourage me.
12th. Continuing these Resolutions.
13th. Continuing these resolutions. Read through the Goetia,
etc. etc.
14th. Thoughts of the Augoeides Invocation.
Having a swollen gland, and fears thereof, I asked Adonai to
remove that fear. (Throat glands)
15th. Again thoughts of Adonai. Knowing the Invocation by
heart, will repeat same daily. My fear removed.
---The Invocation was that subsequently published as LIBER
SAMEKH in BOOK FOUR PART III, Appendixes. There is a
commented and annotated version extant, which will be
published as part of BOOK FOUR COMMENTED as an Oriflamme
number.---
16th. A.'.
---This symbol indicates a performance of the Invocation.
This was done astrally, and lasted the better part (or
more) of an hour every time. Very few people have the
necessary magickal stamina to do a thing like this while,
so to speak, "living in the world".---
17th. A.'. though unwell.
18th. A.'. though ill.
19th. Some vision with I.'.
{71}
****MISSING TWO PAGES IN MY COPY****
****MISSING TWO PAGES IN MY COPY****
decided to sweeten the hook a bit.---
A.'. above average; but little convincing. It should be
ovserved that on all these days are many thoughts of Adonai; yet
the record is only of the Ex Voto Invocation.
April 17th. Aleister and El Ain Kiss.
---Now, isn't that sweet?...Compare with the expurgated
EQUINOX entry of the same date. And El Ain, too. He
was drawing dangerously near to the Ordeal mentioned in
THE COMMENTARIES OF AL, i 27, the commentary `by
another'.---
"Ere Sol in Aries make bright spring weather
Eight Star and Six Star shall have kissed together."
And Spring also is a month late.
---The sense of humor of the advanced Initiate triumphs
over infatuation for a moment. Will he keep it
throughout? Lose your sense of humor, that is to say,
your sense of proportion, and any vampire can make
butcher's meat of you. Let us see his progress.---
Got Yi Jing from Club and analysed it.
Attribution of the 6 lines still puzzles me.
A.'. about the same; but dropped off to sleep at the end.
---That's what you get for kissing "El Ain".---
April 18th. Studying Liber Legis; decide to ask Elaine to
invoke Aiwass or converse with him when invoked, and thereby to
decide on the quality of that magic.
---As can be seen, he was still highly hostile towards
AL, and had not yet realized that Aiwass and his H.G.A.
were one and the same.---
Elaine very careful to avoid the `physical' or to refer to the
Compact. This I honestly think a mistake, though doubtless one
on the right side.
---This entry shows Crowley's inate delicacy of feelings
towards women, and his total respect for their
reactions. When he wrote "There shall be no property in
human flesh" he was not thinking only of his, or only of
male flesh.
A note written on December 31st of that year under
this entry, referring {74} to his adjective "honestly"
reads:---"Yes: but it is the puritan A.C. who is wrong
in not frankly wooing Elaine AS a man and saying It is
right, because I will it."
---But it *was* right (as we will hear from Aiwass'
own mouth later on) that he should have refrained from
trying to force the situation. Love must be *under
will*.---
A.'. much better. Will go to sleep in vision.
The result curious, and though I cannot at all remember, I
know it was thinking of A.'. in some way.
April 19th. Did a Tarot for Mr. Volker re a theft. Used my
own cards. And why? So as to affirm unselfishness in my A.'.
aspirations.
---He normally kept a separate pack to be touched by
querents, and only himself touched his private pack. A
wise precaution in a serious Magician.---
Elaine unwell; therefore Aiwass postponed.
A.'. fair. After-results again vaguely magnificent--memory
seems quite in vain.
---A posterior note about the Tarot divination reads:---
"Turned out to be not a theft, but a mislaying. Result showed
Querent with no loss of repute, and the goods recovered; yet
nobody else was in trouble. Considering that the question was
ill-stated, this is a very fine reading. But I must not feel
gratified, save for the relief to Volker's mind."
April 20th. Augoeides Invocation with Elaine in her temple.
Aiwass invoked appears...
---It must be understood that first he did his Augeoides
Invocation, the one we already know of; and then
"Fidelis" and he invoked Aiwass together. He had no
idea whatsoever at the time that his Augoeides and
Aiwass were lovers.---
...of brilliant blue, as when she saw him as guardian of my
sleep. He has followed me ever, wishing me to follow his cult.
When Elaine took wand, he grows brilliant and breaks up into a
formless light; yet she feels him as an enemy.
---Naturally! She wanted to marry Crowley and eat him
up at leisure; and she knew that Aiwass would keep her
prey from her.--- {75}
He seems entangled in a mesh of light and to be trying to
escape. I warn him that if he goes away he cannot return.
(Elaine in herself is hostile)
---As you can see, the Magician sensed things even while
the Evocation was going on. The image seen was not
Aiwass, but an Eidolon created partly by Crowley, partly
by Elaine; partly energized by Aiwass Himself, who was
trying to communicated but who was bound not to force
either of them to do anything against their will.---
She says he says: "Return to Egypt, with different
surroundings...
---(A note added here at the end of the year reads:---
This misheard; he said *same*.)
...There will I give thee signs. Go with the Scarlet Woman, this
is essential: thus you shall get real power, that of God, the
only one worth having. Illumination shall come by means of
power, pari passu...
---Cf. LITTLE ESSAYS TOWARDS TRUTH, ENERGY.---
...Live in Egypt as you did before. Do not do a Great
Retirement. Go at once to Egypt: money troubles will be settled
more easily than you think now. I will give you no guarantee of
my truth." He here turned blue-black. "I am loath to part from
you. Do not take Fidelis. I do not like the relations between
you; break them off! If not, you must follow other Gods..."
---As you can see, a true God has only one legitimate
(and if legitimate, it is sufficient!) threat against a
baulky follower: Obey me or leave me. Go learn from
someone else.---
"...Yet I would wish you to love physically, to make perfect
the circle of your union. Fidelis will not do so, therefore she
is useless. If she did, she would become useful. You have erred
in showing her the true relation between you on spiritual planes.
Having burst that, she will remain by her sense of power over
you..."
---Here, much later, Crowley added a question mark. Had
she remained "over him", after all?---
"...She is spiritually stronger than you. You should have
dominated her by your superior strength on other planes. She
will give you much trouble, though eventually she may become a
great aid. But your shorter path lies by Egypt and the Scarlet
Woman
{76} ---(Rose Crowley)---
though she is not spiritually your equal. The Scarlet Woman has
become your enemy; but you having conquered, she is bound to aid
you as you will. She has been your enemy and that of Fidelis,
but you returned her hatred, hence her seeming power over you in
the present. (Query this hearing) I will give you a sign when
alone and away from present medium. You must recognize the sign
by your own intuition. Do not part from the Scarlet Woman. Use
her. (Here, Scarlet Woman appears with an evil look. She
glitters like a jewelled serpent. Strange bands of light
glitters like a jewelled serpent. Strange bands of light
scintillate between her and Aiwass.) Elaine now takes wand
again: still feels enmity on spiritual planes...
---As well she should; and she deserved it.---
Aiwass banished; Scarlet Woman has disappeared. Elaine tries
to speak to Adonai...
---And we shall now have sweet little Elaine's report on
what Adonai "said" to her. If you keep in mind that in
Crowley's case Adonai and Aiwass were the same, the joke
is flavorful!---
...He wants Great Retirement, does not mind whether Scarlet
Woman is with me or not; but I should us Brahmacharya (? if with
her, or anyhow). I shall be guided as things turn up, as to the
truth or falsehood of Aiwass, who is not to be altogether
distrusted (I think the opposition is Aiwass' limitation as a
servant). Adonai will give us a sign; Elaine's freedom. (I
reply that if this comes about in a miraculous manner, well and
good.)
---The true Initiate, undergoing an ordeal of the "fine"
type, trying to keep his temper, his judgment, and his
head.---
Close.
April 21st. Sol entered Taurus. Opened Temple with Augeoides
Invocation, asking for special aid in--what follows. Possibly
spoilt it all.
---Actually, it kept him from succumbing to Elaine's
attack; the notes subsequently added prove this.---
Elaine finds the Nuit ring good; hence probably her hostility
yesterday was due to lower self. {77}
Invocation of Ra-Hoor-Khuit gives glorious material flashes of
light, akasic and lilac. The God, beheld, will not speak. Asked
for a messenger, Aiwass appears. Elaine, suspecting him, puts a
[Hebrew letter Gimel] on him; he blurs and becomes dirty and
discrowned. Elaine takes wand; but this dissipates him. His
real name, she says, is [Hebrew letters reading from left to
right: Yod Nun Aleph Resh Aleph He] (270=INRI). Elaine uses
[here a symbol that looks like a capital "F" or the rune Fehu]
and shrivels hime to a black charred mass. I ask her to invoke
something genuine...
---The vigilance of the true Initiate; and the
protection of the true Aiwass.---
...a white fiugre without face and with little shape mounts
throne. It has a glittering rayed corona. Says: "I am the God
of Vengeance. I am thy Guardian Angel. I would have thee seek
thine own soul in silence and alone. Take no aid with thee:
take no mortal soul but retire away and depart from mankind..."
---Thus making the plight of the Black Lodge--to the
current of which Elaine's selfish interests linked
her--very easy!---
[Hebrew letter Gimel] makes him brighter: he grows firmer.
Repeated, form vanishes and only brightness remains. Asked for a
sign or his name, [Hebrew letter Tau] is written on throne. "I
will give no other signs; you must learn to trust your own
intuition."
Elaine's intuition tells her that he is genuine...
---Naturally: this was an Eidolon that she herself had
created, and was animated by her selfish desires and the
impure energy of the Black Brothers.---
...As to our relations, he wishes us to work together (A
contradiction: vide supra) "I do not wish you to go too far in
work with Scarlet Woman. She will dazzle you and be apt to lead
you astray. You must always remain as armed when you work with
her, as a man in full armour. I could wish you to strengthen the
link between you and Fidelis on all planes. You are very needful
to each other, and can only accomplish the Great Work together.
(This clearly fucking bullshit.) I take wand and curse him by
Him whom he hath blasphemed, invoking, however, Adonai. The
light becomes more brilliant. Voice continues: "You must go and
do a Great Retirement, after which you shall get a sign."
---This simply meant that Elaine wanted to gain time to
consume her then {78} husband at leisure; Crowley in a
retirement, practicing "Brahmacharya", which to her
meant sexual abstinence, would remain safe from other
women, specially Rose, until she was ready to get her
claws on him.---
(Clearly due to Elaine knowing my wish; but he is clumsy.
Will anything now convince Elaine? I take serious measures to
banish all but Adonai. Voice silenced; and she doubts if voice
is from brilliance. Elaine feels me absolutely necessary for
her. I not. Voice is *from her* so cannot be banished, and it
goes on:) "There shall be short period of work? *not*? done in
actual unison; after which your powers join irrevocably together.
There is no escape from that; you are bound to work together; and
the fitting time and hour for this shall come simultaneously to
you both. There will then be no doubt in either of your minds;
there will be no obstacle to this union...you must look towards
this time and towards a beacon light. Never lose sight of that.
You and O.M. will meet with subtle temptation from this
object--promises of great power and illumination; but heed them
not. Elaine is your true helper from whom you have right to look
and demand help. You must never cease to demand this aid, and by
your demand strengthen and aid your comrade. I your Guardian
Angel tell you this."
(The falsity of all this patent more at the time than now--I
foresaw what follows.)
I ask for proof that he *is* Guardian Angel--it is clear that
Voice and Brilliance are distinct. Elaine, however, feels that
this rigmarole is true. Hence we discuss our relations, and the
Great Invocation degenerates. This, however, is checked by my
will and her own feeling taht we have done enough for honour.
---Actually, she was trying to sense his reactions and
adapt herself to them, coiling around the limbs of his
will with all the subtlety of the old serpent.---
I am not exhausted after all this, as I was yesterday. Is
this a proof that all is Right Magic, or that little force was
expended? Where am I, in fact? O Holy Exalted One, do Thou
illuminate my mind!
---He should, obviously, have gone back to Egypt with
Rose, who would then not have been able to buy gin so
easily, and might have become helpful. Exactly as
Aiwass had said. Nevertheless, Aiwass would not have
{79} been adverse to Crowley working with
Elaine--provided she renounced vampirizing and became a
true helper. But obviously she would not--or Crowley,
as he himself observed, was too much of a puritan to
compel her to submission.--
April 22nd. Feeling sick--in bed all day.
---The after-effects of the magickal attack. It must be
observed that he had left Shangai the day before, by
ship.---
No regular Augeoides Invocation by consequence, but much
concentrated thought. It seems to me that all the Shangai
experience bar Easter Day should be neglected as a morbid dream;
merely because I am not alone...
---A note added to this on December 31 of the same year
(day when Crowley usually re-read and weighed his year's
records) says: "Same old double game; fear its
spring."---
...It seems natural and easy that this should be. I think
also I should write to A. explaining how the whole experience has
been an ordeal, that she has come through it successfully both in
the advance to Philosophus and the suspense of that advance; but
that the principle of clinging to me unconsciously there has
ruined her claivoyance, and rotted up her magic. Having won me,
let her now lose me! As for me, I will go on as if I had never
been landed.
---Which is bad, since in throwing out the whole
experience he is throwing out the command Aiwass gave
him, to go back to Egypt with the Scarlet Woman, Rose.
It was this command that prompted Elaine to interfere in
the Vision.---
April 23rd. Arrived Nagasaki about 5 p.m. Wrote remarks
opposite...
---That is, the comments to the Shangai evocation which
appear in parentheses in the text.---
...They seem quite obviously right, as if thereby all lucidity
and ---(word missing)--- were attained, all doubt swept away.
Wrote to Elaine to effect above; now, however, insisting on my
own independence of her. {80}
A.'. fair to good. Asked Adonai for sufficient health on
voyage to do Augeoides Invocation properly (Granted). Went off
to sleep after this.
April 24th. Arrived Kobe at 5 p.m.--24 hours sail.
Wrote to S.W. with some reserve, of course utterly concealing
both A.'. and Elaine.
---It is interesting that although he has "forgotten",
or consciously disregarded, the first part of the
Vision, when Aiwass appeared, he still refers to Rose as
the "Scarlet Woman" something he had not done for quite
some time.---
Query: Could I use Aiwass to help me with Augeoides
Invocation?
---In retrospect, this is truly funny. Aiwass had tried
to tell him that he did not *need* the Augoeides
Invocation; that he was in touch with his H.G.A.
already, and had more important work to do; but he goes
forward blindly in the direction of his own wishes. In
a personal sense, this is not bad, since it consolidates
one's lines on the planes that one has attained above;
but from the point of view of the Work he had to do for
the world, rather than his own personal Work, it was
pretty bad. We know that he had already totally
disregarded most of the primary injunctions in AL
itself; cf. iii 10-11, 21-30, 39-41. What he tried to
do years later, in Cefalu, Sicily, he should have done
in Boleskine, Scotland, years before--and much more
punctiliously than he did it in Sicily.---
I should think, yes: I ought to use every power I have.
A.'. fair only; though I invoked all these powers of mine.
Yet, after, by a strong effort of will, I banished my sore throat
and my surroundings and went up in Astral Body. Reached a room
in which a table was spread
[[
[[
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[
[[
[[
thus, a naked man being nailed thereto. Many venerable men sat
around, feasting on his living flesh and quaffing his hot blood.
There (I was told) were the adepts whom I might one day join.
This I understood to mean that I should get the power of taking
only spiritual nourishment--but probably it means much more than
this. Next I came into an apparently empty hall, all being in
white ivory, worked in filigree, as the Chinese do. A square
slim altar was in the midst...
---But how can a square be "slim"? Oh, well; on the
"Astral", all shapes {81} are possible.---
...I seemed to be questioned as to what I would sacrifice on
that altar. I offered all save my will to know Augoeides, that I
would only exchange for its own realization. I now became
conscious of vast Godforms of Egypt sitting, so vast I could only
see their knees. "Would not knowledge of the Gods suffice?" No!
said I. It was then pointed out that I was being critical, i.e.,
rationalistic; and made to see that Augoeides was not fashioned
in my image. Necessarily, that is. I apologized, and knelt at
altar, placing my hands on it, right over left. Then One
human...
---This takes care of Mr. Kenneth Grant's sad contention
that Aiwass--does not belong to the human species.
Perhaps he was trying to cash in on Messrs. Pawels &
Co.'s take-off on Crowley in "Dawn of the Magicians."
It is said that imitation is the best form of flattery;
but imitation of an imitation is perhaps going too
far--look what it did to the Roman Church.---
...white, self-shining...
---Not an "illuminate", therefore, but an *Illuminator*;
which is to say, a Star.---
...(my idea, after all) came forth and put his hands over
mine, saying `I receive thee into the Order of the---.
---Anybody who would say Aiwass was not patient with his
pupil should think again.---
April 25th. Yesterday's vision a real illumination, since it
showed me an obvious mistake which yet I had utterly failed to
see. The word in my Kamma-work was Augoeides, and the method
`*invoking often*'! Therefore a Self-glittering One, whether my
conscience approves or not, whether my desires fit or not, is to
be my guide. I am to invoke often, not to criticize. Am I to
lose my grade of 7'=4[]? I cannot go wrong, for I am the Chosen
One: that is the very postulate of the whole Work. This boat
carries Caesar and his fortunes.
Left Kobe at noon.
A.'. fair to good; but attention wandered after Invocation.
Suggestion of fasts to aid. {82}
April 27th. Left Yokohama 12 noon.
A.'., fearing motion would distrub me, rather poor; yet a
certain clarity of vision of a White One like on 25th.
Feeling seedy at night.
April 28th. A.'. poor; my bodily health imperfect still, yet
great clarity of vision in the matter of the Pentagrams.
April 30th. A.'. exactly the same as yesterday. Will repeat.
It has struck me--in connection with reading Blake--that
Aiwass, etc.,=Force and Fire; the very thing I do lack; and that
my `conscience' is really an obstacle and a delusion, being a
survival of heredity or education. Certainly, to rely on it as
on an abiding principle in oneself is wrong.
---There follow notes done on December 31 on this
entry:---
Further considerations in favour of Aiwass:
[A, a larger P, and the Greek letter Omega] seemed to
indicate him.
---Cf. EQUINOX I 8, pp. 32-33.---
Any suspicious remarks of his perhaps due to Elaine connecting
him with the Scarlet Woman ---(Rose Crowley)---.
I think his repeated `Go to Egypt!'--The one really important
thing is the fundamental hypothesis--I am the Chosen One. All
methods will do, if I only `*invoke often*', i.e., stick to it.
---A little bit of hubris here, as you can see. He was
mixing the planes; certainly, any methods would
eventually lead him closer to Aiwass; but the method of
going to Egypt with Rose was the one Aiwass Himself had
suggested as the quickest--and `invoking often' had
nothing to do with it. Invoking often under any
circumstances, or invoking often in Egypt with Rose, he
would get There. But he would have gotten There faster
in Egypt--and then *we* would have gotten here faster as
well. He was fed up with Rose, certes, as a husband and
as a man; but, as Ms. Craddock might have said, this had
nothing necessarily to do with Work on her famous Third
Degree, q.v.---
Ritual given by Aiwass--see `Work' book; also determined house
in Egypt, dates, etc. {83}
---All this is missing, alas. Collectors--rich people,
often stupid, sometimes discriminating--have been buying
Crowley's work for years; in these days of galloping
inflation, no doubt a good investment. Perhaps one of
them has this material somewhere, and will have a stroke
of genius and let us have a copy when he reads this. If
he knows how to read handwritings on walls, that is. Rich
men--or women--often don't.---
Augoeides Invocaiton repeated. Very good and lucid. A.'.
approves of house in Egypt, ritual, etc. etc.
---Naturally! But still he did not go. If Initiates
can be so blind, can we really blame rich men and women
too much for being the same?---
No tendencey to sleep or reverie; or hardly any, not more than
a momentary wandering of thought.
May 2nd. Working at comment on Liber Legis with (as usual)
lamentably little result. I think that I could do it in Egypt.
I worked *hard* and nearly all day: only result a little light on
---(word missing in our copy; this is not deliberate;
just sloppiness. The original is probably in Arabic, or
Greek, or Hebrew. Considering that the poeple who
originally made typewritten copies of these diaries were
most often Regardie, who knew no Greek, Arabic,
occultism or psychology; and Grant, who knew no Hebrew
or anything else, what can you expect?)---
A.'. good, considering I was excessively tired.
Wednesday--the day to which I sacrifice the other days.
---Because it is traditionally sacred to Mercury, the
Messenger of the Gods--cf. THE PARIS WORKING. But it
might have been better to concentrate on Tuesday, the
day of Mars, since we already know that Hoor was a
little bit annoyed at Crowley's infatuation with His
Brother God; after all, Hoor *is* the Lord of the
Aeon!...
Perhaps if he had gone to Egypt with Rose he would
have realized this.---
A.'. good--vision like the milky way in texture. A fine
epithet for A.'. would be "O thou whose body is the mother-milk
of the Starry One! (viz Nuit)"
---He was learning.---
I think I should reserve to myself the option of doing a Dead
Stunt as originally arranged. Rose's attitude, condition, etc.
should be {84} allowed weight.
---He did this--and she ended in an institution for
dipsomaniacs.---
Saw this month's moon for the first time.
May 5th. A.'. medium; but apparently I went off to sleep
before writing it up.
Note: A seance was going on about this time. I sincerely hope
this had nothing to do with the sleep.
May 9th. A.'. poor.
---(A note added in the EQUINOX version reads: "This
begins the railway journey from Vancouver.")---
May 10th. A.'. poor--am really worn out. Asked for exceptional
vigour and courage and helath in New York so as to get my
business through.
Granted--did all business but the Kangchen scheme in 1 day.
Most amply granted. Bar the one day's fever, on a Sunday when in
no case could I work, I was boiling over with energy the whole
time.
May 14th. A.'. sleepy (I am by no means recovered from the
fatigues of this damned journey.)
May 18th. A.'. the usual thing--I forget all about it till
late; or at least put it off. A man cannot serve two masters. I
began A.'., then deliberately stopped, as it was a farce. I
appoint Sunday from waking to sleeping as a day of fast and
penance from waking to sleeping. (Should I sleep in the day this
to conclude penance.)
---This last is not very clear, but *sic*.---
Unable--and unwilling--to sleep, recommenced A.'.
Osorronophris--Asar Un-nefer. And I never saw it till now.
This should be a key to all.
Paphro? Papur-papyrus.
Un=opener. Nefer? gates, path, etc.
A.'. elaborate and really not bad. {85}
May 28th. A.'. got throught after an incredible struggle of
one and a half hours.
Mostly sleep.
---Cf. entry in EQUINOX I 8. Either Fuller or A.C. was
embellishing the bare facts; probably Fuller. But one
and a half hours of struggle to do something that other
people usually "waste" only fifteen minutes on, and this
mostly on Sunday mornings, is not bad.---
May 30th. Behaved more as an Agnostic than a Mystic in
conversation; not as a blind...
---This means that the conversation was so soggily
maudlin that, in sheer reaction towards balance, he took
an agnostic position in it; not to express his own
views, but to try to bring some perspective to the
"talkers". One sympathizes, within one's limits.---
This means that I *am* more an Agnostic than a Mystic.
---Not necessarily at all; but he was laboring under a
great magickal burden at the time, so he should be
excused for not seeing this.---
True, the conversation did not reach the constructive point.
---No conversation ever does, when people do not share
an approximation of Experience. On the other hand, cf.
the dialogue in KONX OM PAX under the title "Ali Sloper,
or the Forty Liars".---
Should it ever do so, what shall I do?
---This led to Paragraph 8 of the Task of a Probationer
of the A.'.A.'., now revised by Authority to read:
"He/she shall everywhere acknowledge openly his/her
association with the A.'.A.'. and speak of It and Its
principles (even so little as he/she understandeth), for
that mystery is the enemy of Truth."---
A.'. very good indeed. Renewed the terrible vows of this
initiation, and was rewarded by the touch of [Hebrew letter Pe]
to [Hebrew letter Pe]. O Self-glittering One, be ever with me!
Amen.
May 31st. A.'. better than ever yet. Vision quite perfect,
and I tasted the sweet kiss and gazed in the clear eyes of that
radiant one. My own face (I am sure by the feel of the skin)
became luminous.
---Quite often, this intimacy with the Angel heralds a
hard ordeal to come, {86} for which the Angel is
fortifying the client.---
June 1rst. A.'. good but interfered with by fatigue. Used
much resolution.
June 2nd. Arrived Liverpool. Heard of Baby's death by
letters from Mother and Uncle Tom. Why did nobody cable me?
Arrived London, perfectly stunned.
A.'. appropriate in tone, though of course mechanical.
---Why "of course"? Oh, well. The world was not
overpopulated yet.---
I solemnly reaffirmed the Oath of my Obligation to perform the
Operation, offering under these terrible circumstances all that
yet remains.
Fortunately I am quite unable to think of the thing in detail
or as a reality.
(Note of December 31st: Not fortunately at all. One *never*
gets able to do so. Stupor and pangs get to the limit, and that
limit is easily reached by the very partial conceptions of one's
loss.)
June 3rd. Saida ---(sic)--- mistress of Venus regarded as
on the Tree of Life, including all symbols. Equally expert as
the averse Mercury ---(sic)--- , but no matter; I have lived
through the day.
---This entry was scratched out, apparently in Crowley's
own hand, in our TS; we enter it. "Saida" may have been
wrongly read; it may also be the feminine of `Said' or
`Siddhi' misread by the ineffable copyist. "Scribe"
indeed!---
A.'. a sad mechanic exercise.
June 4th. A.'. no good; but an idea to ask Rose definitely:
Will you come and go on a Great Retirement with me now or will
you not? Write accordingly to Elaine.
---The last thing he should have done; Elaine must
immediately have taken magickal measures to interfere;
and she was at least a Philosophus, by his own
admission, besides being a woman! Admitting her into
the {87} Circle he was practically ensuring the defeat
of an Operation towards which, he should have known, she
was deadly hostile. And since he was sufficiently
advanced to realize this, the fact that he did not
realize it simply means that his Ego still resented
Aiwass a lot.
Assuredly, there is a much higher plane from which the
whole situation can be contemplated, and this is it:
that should Elaine have been truly dedicated to the
Great Work, and therefore to THERION, rather than
Crowley, she would have disciplined *her* Ego, and tried
to help, rather than hinder, the Retirement in Egypt
with Rose. And then humankind, as a whole would have
benefitted from AL much faster and sooner. From *that*
plane, which is a plane much closer to Nuit's "position"
(or lack of it!), Crowley did well to write Elaine.
Yet, the Karma was hers--and his. He did what a Magus,
or perhaps an Ipsissimus, ought to have done; but he was
not a Magus yet. Indeed, he was not even a Magister
Templi yet; just, as he himself acknowledged, an Exempt
Adept.
Live and learn. He lived--and learned.
Unfortunately, so did *we*.---
June 6th. Tristan and Isolde--a failure, either Wagner is a
shit or myself dulled beyond waking. I slept right through
Overture--Act II!!!.
Did A.'. feebly in streets.
June 7th. Went to Plymouth by 6:30.
---(The EQUINOX version adds: "to meet wife".)---
Arrived 12.05. Did A.'. in train. A shade better; and more
acquiescence or survival or transcendence--whichever name you
prefer.
June 8th. Joined Rose on S.S. Himalaya...
---The allusion is obscure. Did he, by any chance,
still resent his failure to reach the Kanchenjunga
summit? And associate the child's death with that other
disappointment?---
...As I supposed, I broke down a good deal. Am really too ill
to do a regular Augoeides Invocation.
June 9th. Still breaking down at intervals, and staggering
from {88} nervous weakness. Dropping off to sleep at odd times
and places.
June 10th. Rose wants to Work with me; but her nervous state
is bad and unreliable, so she contradicts.
---Very naturally; and no doubt, with some "help" from
her friends, meaning his mother, her mother, his uncle,
and Elaine--to say nothing of the "Black
Brothers"!...---
Vain attempts, interrupted by invincible sleep, to do
Augeoides Invocation.
June 11th. still frightfully ill--sleep and nightmares.
Augoeides Invocation again conquered by these, though I did my
very utmost.
---Cf. LIBER ALEPH, Chs. 12-13.---
June 23rd. V.N. 7'=4[] arrived. Talking over the whole
Augeoides situation.
---Compare this entry, and the following ones, with the
"official version" in EQUINOX I 8.---
June 24th. Continuing Augoeides discussion, all night.
Agreed on that I am to go for my Great Retirement in some
comparatively near spot, within the reach of telegraph summons.
---Good-bye to Egypt and Aiwass' injunction. But
Elaine's "victory" was a Pyrrhic one; he strictly
avoided her for the rest of his life, no doubt feeling
instinctively that her aim was sinister. His
observations on how well they might have worked
together, in the "Autohagiography", are "gentlemanly"
bullshit.---
June 25th. Asleep all day, after the strain of Jones' visit.
Went to sleep trying to do A.'.
June 26th. IAF=17.
July 6th. My throat and head still utterly bad--with this and
Rose, no work for these days. {89}
July 11th. Along talk with Jenner-Fust, who, as I supposed,
is a mystic of very much my own type.
A.'. rather reveresque.
July 12th. Wrote one Eleusis essay and a little verse,
possibly suitable for Rosa coeli.
Throat very bad. A.'. futile.
July 13th. A.'. better (in A.M.).
The only time I get for thought is just the going to sleep and
waking. Then I can muse. The English for which is: no more
nights in bed with other people.
22nd week of A.'. ends. There ought to be a new current
tomorrow.
July 17th. This thinking seems little or no good; but the
fault is that the real Crowley is actually not thinking of A.'.
When he is, the invocation was unnecessary; when he isn't, it's
feeble. What *am* I to do?
Should suggest sticking to it.
Jones, coming on Wednesday, agrees Ritual is a help if so.
July 22nd. Wrote Introduction to Bagh--an essay on Sufism,
etc.
Thoughts of A.'.
Remarkable experience with hashish. I took some five grains,
and smoked a little ganja. I was drinking a good deal of port,
too. Anyway, I went dizzy; but got to bed and slept it off.
Think I was on the brink of hallucination. I was describing
effects (as in books) to my Nurse and offered her a fraction of a
grain on a match, so that she could get the aromatic taste. My
remarks were most vivid. At the expected time (supposing she had
taken a quantity) she began to suffer all sorts of symptoms,
alledged loss of memory and reason. Quick pulse (160), low
temperature (97.3), dull heavy feeling following momentary
excitement, pupils dilated (not contracted). She remarked, on
tasting it, that she thought it was Belladonna. No thirst, no
suspicion, no actual hallucinations; in short, all the wrong
symptoms. About 2 o'clock she began to turn the corner. {90}
July 23rd. Wrote a mystic poem of profound obscurity called
Abjad-i-al'ain and did some revision.
---This poem was published in THE WINGED BEETLE and is
reproduced elsewhere in this issue. It should be
noticed that apparently his inspiration for all this
homosexual work--the BAGH, etc., came from his strained
relationship with Elaine--"Al Ain". The fictitious
author of the BAGH is called "Alain", and the "Lutiy" is
disposed of by Mr. Martin P. Starr in our Introduction,
q.v.---
Turning to A.'. was turning to sleep, as too often happens.
July 26th. Went down to stay with G.H.F. D.D.S. 7'=4[].
July 27th. I. Perdurabo, a member of the Corpus Christi, do
hereby solemnly obligate myself, etc., to lead a pure and
unselfish life; and will entireley devote myself to raise etc.
myself to the Knowledge of my higher and divine Genius, that I
shall be He. In witness of which I invoke the Great Angel
[Hebrew letters from left to right: Aleph Vau He] to give me a
proof of his existence.
Complete and perfect visualization of Christ as Perdurabo on
"The low dark hill, the storm, the star." But the
.--------------.
| .--------. |
| | | |
| | | |
| | | |
of the Camel open and a ray therein; withal a certain vision of
A.'. remembered only as a glory now attainable.
Humility. Purity. Confidence.
INRI--Instar Noli Revelare Ineffabile.
---These initiatic visions are quite common to those who
follow the true Christian current, and they must
absolutely not lead to obsession, either thinking that
*you* are the "spceial" "Jesus Christ" reincarnated, or
that the olla podrida of the Romish fabrication tells
the story of any "special" God-Man. Cf. LIBER 333,
Ch.58.---
July 29th. Sunday night. D.D.S. and P. discuss a new Order.
---This would eventually become the A.'.A.'. with the
old Golden Dawn toatlly reformulated and incorporated in
it as the Outer Order.---
D.D.S. wants Authority.
---Spiritual Authority. Cf. LIBER LXI, The History
Lection.--- {91}
I should write and say, "Perfect the lightning-conductor and
the flash will come."
---Cf. LIBER LXI, vv. 20-21. A note added on December
31 of that year reads:---
"Very true; but there need not be hesitation anymore."
---During the following year Crowley wrote the first two
Holy Books (Probationer and Neophyte), with amazing
rapidity.---
August 4th. About to try the experiment of daily Aspiration
in the Position of the 5'=6[].
Did this 22 minutes with I.'. It needed D.D.S., but the Eli
Eli feeling is perhaps induced, and this is good.
August 5th. My Revelations book: The Arcanum in the Adytum
[Here is drawn a diamond with a point in its center.]
or the Secret of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, being a commentary
upon the Apocalypse.
On the cover, "The Secret of Jesus".
---A planned book that eventually became subdivided in
several: THE HEART OF THE MASTER, THE GOSPEL ACCORDING
TO ST. BERNARD SHAW and THE VISION AND THE VOICE.---
August 9th. Wrote the Invocation of the Ring.
---Published as part of THE WAKE WORLD.---
August 10th. In Osiris Slain Position. With cross and circle
cut, renewing vows. 28 minutes.
Got the Threshold--the awful doubt whether one shouldn't walk
away and throw up the whole thing--presented first as a
temptation, then as a doubt. Wherefore the cry, `Eli, Eli'. But
no further save for a sense as of dew distilling from the Eye in
the Triangle by the Ray.
August 14th. Am still very much below par. Not that I feel
bad; but I sleep absurdly after massage.
"Armageddon". The final conflict--mysticism and health.
Where the rationalistic argument breaks down; necessary for it to
prove that Samadhi is a diseased process. {92}
Low phenomena of "visions', light sound, etc., not at all true
mystic powers--they are the spermatorrhea of the mystic Yod...
---Indeed, those lower phenomena can easily be induced
by the use of psychedelic drugs, as anybody knows.---
...This is a separate essay--not my commentary on Revalation.
"Space". As an illusion (1) it is a function of Time.
Discuss the Chinese `Li' and draw largely on my experiences.
---The Chinese `li' is the Chinese `league', which is
not a measure of distance, but a measure of the time
taken to cover a distance; originally, on foot. Thus,
going uphill may take several `lis' more than going
downhill the same distance. The concept is extremely
interesting, and it was probably first established to
stop carriers from lingering along the way too much.---
(2) (?Who) states this can never be eliminated from
consciousness. Answer: the civilized man's thought rarely
includes so crude a conception. Abstract ideas are incompatible
with a belief in space.
(3) Refer to and amplify Kant's proof.
(4) Effect of Hashish (quot Ludlow) (5) What does Samadhi say?
My comment on Apocalypse.
(1) The Qabalah and the Bible; a preliminary essay, justifying
my whole position.
Christ as Qabalist: "He that is able to receive it, let him
receive it!".
Qabalah spiritual: removes Bible from silly rationalistic
criticism, e.g. 3 magi or 3 kings. No odds: it's the *3* that
matters.
(2) The correspondences with table. Their use in
interpretation. The Golden Rule "The most spiritual meaning is
the right one", so that even if John wrote of Nero and Rome, you
turn his dross into gold...
---It is well that he gave up this idea, since "John",
"Mark", "Luke" and "Matthew" were as fictitious as
"Paul", "Peter" and "Jesus", to say nothing of "Mary",
"Joseph" and "Judas", and the original documents by
genuine mystics had been perverted and falsified to fit
the Nicean congame. To try to wade through this morass
would take years---and the {93} Christist mystics
never went much above the Lower Manas, anyway.---
Alchemical side-issues: the symbols of the Asch Metzareph.
(3) The Commentary.
(4) Appendix--the connection with Daniel (or this can go in
with 2).
Note on Qabalistic symbolism of
]] N
]]]]]]]]
]]
]]
]]
[Here is drawn a cross with an "N" in the upper right portion.]
. Thieves. And Paroketh.
September 21st. End of 32 weeks--8 months--224 days of A.'.
thought. Did a little Invocation. Enquiring how to Invoke the
Augoeides got the instant reply OFTEN--and only saw later that
this was the same old order as before. Which confirms it:
discard ritual methods, etc. (and their contradictories) but do
it Often.
Hashish. Hence great poetical idea (first for years)...
---Actually, he had been writing some very great poetry
all this time.---
...A son commits suicide in his mother's presence as the most
cruel punishment he can devise. To do this he must be wicked;
but no wicked man ever killed himself yet.---?
---At least, not without being compelled to do so.---
Hashish vision. Wonderful but very unstable landscapes, soft
green purple and blue. Blaze effects of all sorts and a
frequently coming-and-going altered figure of A.'. One seems
however detached, e.g. the chameleon-jeweled motor-cars which
kept on running through me didn't hurt. Further, the proportions
of space and time were not distrubed. Though the visions were
thus varied and pleasant, they were not at all exciting. I chose
to consider them as terrestrial landscape-faced demons, etc., for
the A.'. seemed to alternate.
September 22. Jones at Coulsdon
Celebration Sol in Libra.
Quintessentialized 0'=0[]. (Construct Ritual from. Mysterium
and Secret.)
Discussing numerous details.
September 23rd. Jones still at Coulsdon. {94}
October 9th. Tested new Ritual and behold, it was very good.
Thanked gods and sacrificed for Lola.
---The mistress who had recently come to him as a
Messenger.---
Hashish taken at 8 p.m., acting at 10. Many very strange
illusions of sight, sense of proportion, locality, illusions of
muscular distortion, the pen actually writing good legible
English, but appearing to do so only as a vector of two enormous
counterpoises. (Hours to write that sentence--and this.) None
of the illusions seriously interfere with small fine coordinated
movements. I think of a word and forget it before I can write it
down. This happens by lapses: a question of attention held and
released.
---A marginal note in A.C.'s hand to the TS indicates
that on this day he reached a Nirvikalpa-Samadhi,
possibly as a result of the performance of the new
Ritual. Another note reads:---
"Augoeides perfect"
---In EQUINOX I 8 Fuller, or Crowley, or both, included
several entries, specifically for October 2 to 6, which
are obviously spoofs. They are not in the TS at all.---
October 10. I am still drunk with Samadhi all day.
Curious observation: S.D. looks like a symbol.
Curious feeling that one has a foreign body in one's mouth.
Enough, these are all dog-faced demons. I *will* see Adonai.
But!
(Must tell Jones he can *never* get the
---(word missing)---
because only the thing he can't banish is the highest.
---Not necessarily. *He* could not banish the "voice"
in the "vision" done with Elaine; but at least he
perceived why.---
S.D. *is* A.'. This from fancied personal resemblances.
Fear of fascination by drug. Extraordinary fits of laughter.
Every thought (each is a definite symbolic picture) is
constantly followed by a criticism (also pictured). Sometimes
the criticism is so severe that it becomes a primary
thought--hence inattention. When a thought is weak or
unbalanced, the current of thought is changed. Hence strong
thoughts are wanted.
In morning. Memory very good. Remember striking realization
of unreality of things in room, etc. {95}
Remember how very close to Samadhi the ritual brought me:
perhaps even the control of the drug that arose and forced me to
bed, plues my fear of the shock of Rose's anticipated coming up
to bed, operated to stop me. For in the "Thanksgiving and
sacrifice for S.D." I *did* get rid of everything but the Holy
Exalted One, and must have held Him for a minute or two. I did.
I am sure I did. I expected Rose to see a halo around my head.
---But Rose was seeing a halo around most things those
days, and wouldn't have noticed. Who is a prophet in
his own house, anyway, except in obviously homosexual
fiction of the "Paramahansa Yogananda" type?---
A note posteriorly added (December 31?) reads:---
"But the hashish enthusiasm surged up against the
ritual-enthusiasm; so I hardly know which phenomena to attribute
to which."
---Unless you are a very high Initiate, it is wise to
avoid the use of drugs in Rituals of Union or in
evocations, precisely for that reason.---
The note continues:---
"Noticed at the time that S.D. made A.'. enthusiasm possible;
was .'. good. Yet I would not pray for one more Kiss, having
already had my deserts. The more I think of it, the more I am
sure that I got into Samadhi."
---The marginal note, "Nirvikalpa-Samadhi", indicates
that in retrospect he still thought so; which is the
important thing. The difference between a drug-induced
experience and a legitimate mystical experience is that,
after the effect of the drug is gone, you are back where
you were; while after the legitimate mystical experience
is gone, your horizons are permanently enlarged. This
does not mean that a drug cannot, occasionally, induce a
mystical experience; but this is usually the result of
rigorous preparation and intense aspiration for a long
time. Cf. LIBER HAD; also, LIBER ALEPH, Chs. 93-94.---
(Somehow) not like a human at all.
October 11th. At night transcribed fair the New Ritual of the
M--- of I--- with much labour and affliction of spirit.
---This Ritual is "Liber 671".---
To bed with thoughts of A.'. A curious persistent vision of
blue and also white line below line of sight--shaped
[here is drawn a phallic shape, tapered at the left end, blunted
at the right, lying horizontally left.]
thus. {96}
October 12th. Still a bit nearer reality as regards time.
The Omens were--a dead rat, 66, a Vestal Virgin, an old mean
violent woman of all evil, an officer and a gentleman, a virgin
become a beautiful woman. The whole bathed in an ecstacy of IAO
and Aphrodite.
Did some prayer and fasting, but not enough.
---It was his human birthday, another day in which he
usually took stock of himself.---
October 13th. Went to 106, St. Mary's Mansions, Paddington.
---Not a very good idea. As long as Thelemites
patronize locations that use such names, low men will
not be discouraged from giving such names to them.---
Curious effect of the Cross-Currents. Cash, Love,
Samadhi--things have really lost their value. I get what
Blavatsky describes in "Voice of the Silence" as not quite
disgust.
October 14th. Certain Samadhi effects linger--the unreality
of things and one's own sense of success, etc.
October 16th. Unpacking. Samadhi nearly, yet not quite, worn
off. At work very hard all day.
October 20th. About Samadhi, I told D.D.S., who thinks
hashish had nothing to do with Samadhi, though possibly useful
as a starter...
---From our experience, we concur.---
I feel as if something were going to happen.
---This is an indescribable feeling that one gets when
one is nearing a serious Result. Only those who have
had the experience can understand what he means.---
Just as I began to enflame myself in praying, a thing snapped
in my brain, jarring it, as if a bowsting, one quarter drawn,
slipped from the fingers. Sense of physical relief--a "clearing"
of the brain--and also of occult discharge. I couldn't get back
and soon slept. {97}
---This was bad. It means that the bodily consciousness
could not take the strain, and the newly-forming brain
synapse was ruptured. The feeling is usually in the
region of the Ajna, and the remedy is the old one--stick
to it and climb again.---
A somewhat disappointing day, nearly all the talk being
talked. Also, I am still `polarized' a good deal; my
indifference ("Titiksha" ?"Vairagya") is pronounced. I am truly
indifferent even to L.
---He means his dead daughter, Lola.---
October 23rd. Wrote histroy praelection and things.
---He means the "History Lection".---
Sick with lack of Lola--a still pool of clear water in which
L.V.X. is reflected.
October 24th. Did a small Invocation. Result very near
success. Was too sleepy.
October 31st. 9.30. Took a smaller dose of Hashish than
before. Smoking Hashish cigarettes. Incense, etc., as before.
Must work known dosage.
Wrote a long letter to Elaine, or rather V.H.S. F.'.
10.25 Before invoking I feel some sort of
effect--introspection developed. Time sense shaken; blanks in
thought; feeling of fullness back of neck, etc. etc.
All very slight--only the strong introspection shows them.
Invoked nearly twice--terrible agony. Barbarous names are
supreme test, for a man who is *really* praying cannot bring
himself to say a ridiculous thing to his God, even on the
latter's mandate.
I shall go and recite Greenland's, etc.--If with faith,
Samadhi. Time after time I feel the sickening pangs of
dissolution; physically I nearly faint; but I don't get over the
bar. I am very sick and retire in disorder pursued by dog-faced
demons of all kinds. Once again I nearly got there--all went
brilliance--but not quite. I had too much drug and too little
invocation. I completely forgot L. thanksgiving altogether. {98}
---Here, by L. he means the L.V.X.---
The real meaning of `Change not barbarous names, etc.' is the
one good thing out of all this.
There is nothing but dog faced demons after I get to bed; but
there is always the consciousness behind thoughts. Thus, when
the consciousness realized that `I am apart from my thoughts',
that thought itself is pictorially shewn as a thought. Thus the
Bhagavad Gita, 'I am all and in all, yet apart from all--I who am
all, and made it all, abide its separate Lord'. This
consciousness is the real Self in all probability; it would never
trouble to command its thoughts, for all are alike to it.
---Not quite so; for the Will to manifest must entail a
Time-Space Node; and some thoughts will be more
favorable to the continuity of this manifested aggregate
than others. But this is another problem altogether.---
The spine should be vertical, as the Hindus justly say.
November 1st. Observe that the Hashish took just an hour to
get in its deadly work.
November 4th. Dog-faced demons all day. Fuller, Jones,
Oscar Eckenstein, Sunny Jim. Descent into Hell--in the Power of
the Dweller. Obsession by a demon left by Fuller (and Jones)
called "?"
---The occasion is recalled in JOHN ST.JOHN, the Seventh
Day. "Sunny Jim" was his golf instructor, whom we will
meet again.---
Return with great difficulty--awful pangs--Eli, Eli etc.
N.B. I got back to very near Samadhi in the end.
November 5th. Worked out Abramelin Lamen.
November 13th. Wrote to Sri Agamya Guru Paramahansa: "If you
are the one I seek, this will suffice--name and address."
---Now, this is the Swami who was eventually demolished
by Fuller in the article "Half Hours with Famous
Mahatmas". As we will see, Crowley started amiably
enough.---
He replies: "Ask your own intelligence." {99}
I cut his sign:
---(a Tarot divination)---
[symbol for astrological sign Sagittarius] found in [an upright
equilateral triangle] of the [a five-pointed star].
In Earth of lesser angle [symbols for astrological signs
Cancer and Sagittarius followed by symbol for the Sun] = 268.
[symbol for astrological sign Cancer] is perhaps myself, 418.
Symbol of whole scheme Invocation [Hebrew letters read from
left to right: Aleph, Vau, He followed by the English: Q W 2C
and the symbol for the astrological sign Taurus]. Very good.
I reply: "My question concerned myself. Your answer enboldens
me to ask for an interview. I need hardly add that in such a
matter all days and hours are alike to me."
He answers: "Come Monday noon."
November 14th. Answer from Agamya Guru Paramahansa. Invoked
for symbols.
Again got into the Samadhi-proximity state, as it were,
without trouble.
November 18th. The 8th anniversary of my Spiritual birth.
---Cf. LIBER VII vii 15-16.---
November 19th. Sri. A.G.P. 12.00
---(this was a reminder of the appointment, written when
it was made.)---
Saw A.G.P. Good impression after leaving, stronger than at
time.
November 21st. Saw again A.G.P. He prescribed (1) Devotion
(2) Mystery (3) Omnibenevolence associated in a practice to which
the River Jordan Water-line was complex and difficult. He has
attained a high grade, but has no Viveka concerning men. He
thinks of all the world as either inside or outside his little
fold, and sheeps or goats according. Which is unusual folly for
such an illuminated bugger.
Another lesson not to attribute objective value to one's
Samadhic results.
November 23rd. Began the three gunas.
December 2nd. Went to "business meeting" of Sri Agamya etc.
His whole plan perfectly ridiculous; a fine object-lesson in
what to avoid. {100}
December 7th. Jones writes from the Samadhi-dhatu.
December 10th. Jones came up and we dined. Jones says
[Greek letters Omicron-Upsilon' Mu-Epsilon] is 8'=3[]; I say
Mollie Lee rhymes with both. This purifies and consecrates me,
so that I feel "I am the master" quite genuine--without scruple
or diffidence. No personality.
December 11th. Back to Bournemouth. Jones' amazing third
letter.
---Confirming his assertion that Crowley had reached
Binah.---
December 13th. Mackie arrived from Hordle.
Discoursing to Mackie, sounds of astral rubbed glass (mostly
right ear).
December 15th. Began Table of Correspondences and did two
hours work at it.
---This was part of the activity that would eventually
become "777". So we can see he kept himself pretty busy
indeed, amidst all his personal problems and the strains
of initiation: he was still invoking daily, was
following Agamya's recommendations, was writing material
for KONX OM PAX, and now also preparing material for
"777". Try and match this.---
December 16th. Two and a half hours on Table of
Correspondences. Wrote [Hebrew letters from left to right:
Tau, Mem, Aleph].
---Part of KONX OM PAX.---
December 19th. Table of Correspondences became chronic.
December 20th. Up to London.
December 24th. Down to Jones.
December 25th. At work all day and night on table. But the
important {101} thing is the reading of Amath, and the
discussion (to be reproduced as a dialogue a la Berkeley) of it.
Jones took the 10'=1[] view and we ran up and down the tree like
bloody squirrels deciding on A.C. trying Truth in the Witness-Box
sense as a formula "I = Thou" and of course to avoid fear. Be
careful not to mix up this formula with *morality* which is
bloody bullshit as before.
December 26th. More Table, until Jones broke down.
This Truth game 320 days (32 Paths x 10 Sephiroth). Since I
wrote "Ruach breaking through into Neschamah."
December 27th. Back to town. Broke down myself.
---Yes--but not in front of Jones, whom he probably ran
ragged just to "show", like a schoolboy racing.---
Began [Hebrew letters from left to right: Tau, Mem, Aleph]
formula. It was an awful pang to reply "The Flapper" to "Who is
Lola?" and really very difficult to do it without using a tone of
voice of a lying nature. Got a sort of vision of the Gate of
10'=1[]. Self as a mage in his circle breaking it down; and the
universe rushing in---all the lions and dragons symbols and
vanishing as they came.
---This is not necessarily the Formula of the
Ipsissimus; but it *is* the Formula of the Exempt Adept
who would become a Babe of the Abyss.---
December 28th. Beginning to see possibilities of scheme
(i.e., Truth Scheme).
---This was followed by a long important note, actually
belonging on the 6th January 1907 e.v., but inserted
here for lack of space there.---
Appear to have got into the Fruit of which Jones' "Hail! All
Hail!" was the Blossom. In short, recognizing that *I am He* in
the same way that I recognize `Snow is white'--not arguing it,
nor announcing it triumphantly. I acted on that basis without
self-consciousness, and wrote various letters.
Later; viz, at 6.00 p.m. took a very small dose of
Hashish--say one and a half to two grains--on a by no means empty
stomach.
The introspection seems awakened at once; owing, maybe, to
expectation. {102}
Use all means to invoke Augeoides (possibly even
masturbation--if such an act is physically possible--as a
means).
7.00-8.15. There is no link to bind together the thoughts (of
the second order--*Sanna* thoughts) since they are only like
letters of words not (apparently) interconnected. (Usual
phenomena) With practice this game could be made useful (e.g.,
to work out a psychological system). Each battery goes through a
whole battery of critics; it is `analysed' (in Time. I was
thinking of Well's analysed sounds in "The New Accelerator")...
---A story by H.G. Wells. The "game" was "made useful"
in LIBER OS vel ABYSMI, q.v.---
...Also there seems several main individuals or strata of
thought (delusion of triple personality, etc.). They have (or
may have?) different time-rates.
(One sees as it were an officer running forward to reform a
shaken set of thoughts, or to order new evolutions.)
8.15. I went to bed about now and tried hard to masturbate,
without success. The first time I failed from fear; the second
time I know not why; the third time I was under the delusion that
I had come.
The `millions of worlds' game--the peacock multiform with each
`eye' of its fan a mirror of glory wherein also another
peacock--everything thus.
(Here consciousness has no longer any knowledge of normal
impression. Each *Sanna* thought is itself visualized as a
World-Peacock--such seems to me the interpretation of above.)
1.20 a.m. Head still buzzing; wrote above.
Samadhi *is* Hashish, an ye will; but Hashish is not Samadhi
(It's a low form this Atmadarshana).
(I don't, *and didn't*, quite understand this. I think it
means that only an Adept can use Hashish to excite Samadhi; or
else that Hashish is the evil and averse Samadhi.)
The Introspection Phenomena
.
. .
. .
. . . . .
. .
This is like the letter A in the word or idea `cat'. {103}
The Picture-Ideas (*Sanna* thoughts)
[Here is drawn a vertical line with 5 rays emanating
horizontally from the right side, lengthier in the middle,
tapering at the top and bottom.]
converging to form an `a' and so on. This disconnected second
rank are very numerous. There are many ranks of thought (are
these the Sephiroth?).
---No. The "Sephiroth" partake of other qualities than
just those of thoughts; but they are, in themselves,
just convenient classifications; quite possibly related
to nervous plexuses in the physical body. Their
usefulness, from the point of view of the Aspirant,
consists in that they are, so to speak, hostels along
the trail up the mountain, where one can rest for a
while; also, recognize where one has got. It is
possible to go up avoiding the hostels; although, from
the point of view of normal common sense, it is foolish
to inconvenience oneself so; but at a certain point the
trail breaks up; and a chasm has to be jumped before the
next hostel can be reached.
This analogy-apologue is a very jejune
over-simplificaiton.---
The consciousness moves backawards and forwards, outwards and
inwards. Each rank is of course observed by the one next to it
inwards, or else by the Analyser. There's an `Intelligence'
(among the Hierarchies of me) who suddenly draws lines round
groups of second rank ideas and labels them `candle', `ant',
etc.--front rank men, getting them off as a whole.
(Just as I might make an A of dots, scratches, etc. and when
finished fling it forth a visible `A'.) Others too have other
functions--there's a whole crowd of us all organized.
What puzzles is the vast number of thoughts required to make
one physical thought. Bound to believe in simplicity behind.
Why? Mathematical truths are absurd; they belong to the
unanalysed brain, for one thing: and, for another, they represent
relations between units of that row--no more. Thus the Universal
Peacock is one.
(I prefer a different view. The *Sanna* thoughts not nearer,
but further than the physical; not radiating from the Ego, but
converging upon it. This is an argument against Hashish, and
does not suggest that further progress would bring one to a
higher rank. The various individuals are on this view rather
arch-demons)--A good deal this on introspection.
Oh for a memory-in-flesh to tell people about this; in spirit
to bind together and organize the analyzed thoughts, so that
one's consciousness {104} should normally observe the second
rank crowd. This (would be) constant ecstacy, but the actions of
the man would go on as usual, and it is only a certain instinct
in one's hearers if they perceive that one is not oneself. This
time no sickness--slight physical drunkenness--very slight. Must
try in presence of Jones and Fuller with Jewell concealed to take
notes.
---L.R.C. Duncombe Jewell, elsewhere referred to as
"L.C." from the initials of his pseudonym, "Ludovic
Cameron".---
The earlier very rapid things all escape record. It is 1.40
a.m. I am practically sober.
8.30 a.m. Introspection still quickened.
9.45 a.m. One has only to think hard to get back to the World
of Thoughts.
N.B. The dose was a shade too large--not much. There was no
sense of being overpowered.
---Here ends this remarkable psychological document (we
refer to the whole Diary, not just these last notes,
valuable as they may be). In the following year he
wrote two of the Holy Books. The writing itself
occupied a remarkably short span of time--but the
Preparation had been going on since that 18th day of
November 1898 e.v., and had culminated in three days of
April 1904 e.v.--- {105}
[Here is a full-page graphic. It is one large V in the center
of the page, with two smaller on each side followed by
periods. The word "versu" is in the top center of the large
V, and a lower-case Omega is in the bottom center of the
large V. Beneath the large V are the Greek letters:
Omicron-Upsilon Mu-Eta. Centered beneath the point of the
large V are the words:]
Perdurabo
Aleister Crowley
Edward Alexander Crowley
Last words of 700 Remarkable People:
Henry VIII "Would I had served my God as I have served my queens
and I would have brought down his grey hairs in sorrow to the
grave."
---It is ironical that Henry VIII killed so many women
in an effort to produce a male heir to make England
secure. His only male offspring was a weakly boy that
barely survived him; but one of his two daughters became
one of the mightiest queens who ever lived. Greater
than her father by far, she reigned for fifty years and
turned a small island kingdom into a world power. Had
Henry known this would happen, would he have laughed?
The above epigram seems to indicate he did not admire
himself in his Bluebeard role, but had been terribly
afraid of leaving England without succession. It is
well known that he was a meek husband to his last wife;
but he had his male heir by then.---
A.J. Balfour "Gie me the putter, Sandy! But it's been a gey and
sain long hole"
The Master of Trinity "I shall never marry again."
Jane Cakebread "Mehr Gin."
Shakespeare "And now to solve the mighty Cryptogram."
Lord Northcliffe "La tete de l'armee--l"
Mrs. Chant (raising her voice to a scream) "J.L."
V Taurus Apis the A
I Virgo Asi the R
T Saturn Apep the A
R Sun Asar the R
I Virgo Asi the I
O Capricorn the Torch of Amoun
L Libra Ahathoor A
ARARITA
Ave Apis?! {108}
Regite Asi
Au
---(scratched out)---
Apep
Regem Imperium Terrae Amem
---An obvious attempt to analyze ARARITA in relation to
VITRIOL and to find an aphorism in it. This entire page
has been scratched over in the original MS, including
what follows. The scratched-out "Au" above was
probably the beginning of the word "Auramoth".---
The Adoration of
Apis to
the Perfection of Asi
abased in Apep
to the
Resurrection of
Asar
The Award of Ahathoor
---The Award of Ahathoor
This is accompanied by sums which are obviously
qabalistic analyses, but which do not correlate to
the sentences exactly; jotted down by Crowley for his
own purposes, rather than for the benefit of future
readers; or calculations of thoughts that occurred to
him. These are as follows:---
796 271 6
393 391 10
------ ------ 409
333 662 200
10
10
706
30
------
335
------
64
{109}
The Ardours of Apis 1
The Rose of Asi 3
The Asp of Apep 5
The Rod of Asar 7
The Initiation of Asi 2
The Triumph of Amoun 4
The Award of Ahathoor 6
---The above is on the next page of the Diary. It was
not scratched out, which indicates Crowley considered it
more satisfactory than the attempt on the preceding
page.---
ARARITA One is His beginning, One His Individuality (Import),
His permutation One.
---The "Import" between parentheses is probably an
abbreviation of the word "important".---
January 1907
---(e.v.)---
Tuesday 1. At Bournemouth, recovering from throat troubles.
Made a general vow to attain.
Wednesday 2.
The Ebony Box
As small as possible for me in Asana.
Firm base; fairly light sides.
Feest, say 18 inches high.
Right wall, 2 switches. (1) to powerful reflector lamp placed
on top of box. Internal wire, and to wall switch through one
foot.
(2) to tiny internal glow lamp.
Moss to sit on.
Front wall--slit at level of eyes, to be closed by a sliding
panel.
Back wall--door.
Left front corner--shelves for watch and notebook, water, etc.
Ventilation?
Altar for sacred
[Here is a symbol the typist cannot identify-- it is a Y shape
with an L shape at a 75 or so degree angle crossing it on the
left. The horizontal of the angle crosses the Y shape at the
center of the base, the vertical branch crosses the left fork
of the Y shape at the center.]
and incense.
Flames of this to be only light in room, bar the second light.
---This was obvious speculation on an apparatus to
perform Asana in complete darkness. Crowley often
devised contraptions {110} and described them in his
diaries. Mostly they remained in the diaries.---
Sunday 6. An experiment in hashish.
Sunday 13. ? Rose at Bournemouth--Hashish.
---The diary not being regularly kept, he had doubts if
Rose had been at Bournemouth on that particular date.
Hence the question mark. Another experiment in hashish
was obviously made. Those experiments eventually
resulted in that brilliant essay, "The Psychology of
Hashish."---
Tuesday 29th. Left Bournemouth--one may hope forever.
Monday, 4 February. Dr. and Mrs. Buckmaster to dinner.
Friday 15. Beginning of Baby's illness.
---His other girl child.---
Saturday 16. Threw out B.K. and thus under Providence saved
Baby's life.
---B.K. was Mrs. Kelly, the child's grandmother.---
Monday 18. Herbert Tilley and Gurnit my Ida vocavi; venit the
pretence (if imagined) deceived nobody (it deceived nobody of
importance).
---Tilley was the surgeon who operated him; in this
case, Ida means his left nasal passage.---
Thursday 21. Chez Tweed.
Dined with Lord Tankerville. His card Death.
Jones says Nun always gives *unexpected change*.
Friday 22. Wrote "The Synagogue of Satan".
Sent "Tannhauser" to Tankerville. {111}
Saturday 23 Kether
K.B. begins to sculp me; the Enchanted Prince.
Wrote the Quinzaine of Quatorze ains re the Majesty of
Loveliness.
Sunday 24. Wrote up this diary to date.
---Shame on him, always insisting with his pupils to
write regular entries...---
Monday 25. Began to write [Hebrew letters from left to
right: He Kaph] for the B.V.M.
Tankerville acknowledges Tannhauser.
Herbert Tilley burst my Pingala.
Tuesday 26. K.B. sculps me.
The analogies of Venus and Spirit are very marked.
Chokmah. Kether better understood. Harmonious Dyad.
Buckmaster--dinner at the Savile.
Wednesday 27. Rose probably in pvd again.
Went to Cambridge.
THursday 28. Called on Neuburg.
Friday, 1 March
Went golfing with Lunn to M & S in PM. Spoke. Devoted half
and hour to feeling 2 girls, the girl from the jam factory and
Mabel of Day's (distinguish from Ancient of Days).
Saturday 2. Talking to Neuberg and his friends, Felt
Chambermaid.
Spoke at Ogden's.
---All this "feeling" of girls seems a bit desperate,
unless done as an exercise in Victorian gentlemanship,
deliberately to shock the pruddishness of would-be
"mystics".---
Sunday 3. Return to town. So endeth the First Missionary
Journey. {112}
---Defineitely done to shock, then; and thus get rid of
fools.---
Buckmasters to supper.
Monday 4. Sculpting continues.
Jones arrived--all night setting of House.
Sine spe, aut timore, age thus far V.N.
Note: Binah--darkness. Little or no *visible* progress.
---Clearly, all this time Crowley was working magickally
and not having much *apparent* success with Binah.---
Tuesday 5. Sleeping of V.N.
---Meaning that having Jones around had been a strain on
him.---
"The golfgirl"
My girl with a laugh when I rubbed her calf
Said with good-humored chaff "You've that for the half!"
Her maidenly soul in a rapture did roll.
She caught hold of my pole--"I've this for the Hole."
And when (I'm a sod) in her anus I plod
She whispered, "My God! you're playing the odd!"
The bloody old whore, though I'd had her before...
---The second half of this line was scratched out and
replaced in the original MS.---
...The bloody old whore held me tight on the floor.
Though I'd holed out, she swore I must play the one more.
---"With" scratched out as first word of the next verse
and replaced by "At".---
At my head in her dyke I determined to strike,
But she cooed, "Good old tyke! I will now play the like."
I asked her to utter permission to futter
But she only would mutter "Be up with the putter."
A babe was the blessing that came of caressing.
Did God set her guessing? "It's my fault for pressing."
When fucked, she would say in her ladylike way
"One up and I say, boy, how many to play?" {113}
---This poem shows he speedily recovered from Jones's
visit.---
Thursday, 7 March. Began V.I.T.R.I.O.L.
Beat Sunny Jim by 7 and 5 at half a strike.
Wrote to D.D.S. asking for permission to do a Vow of Silence
and to appoint a period.
---Notice that although he chafed at Jones, and at V.N.,
he sought the counsel and accepted the authority of
D.D.S.---
Friday 8. Sculping. Daleth, or rather, Chesed.
Saturday 9. 9 P.M. Began vow of Refusing to answer
questions. D.D.S. says 7 days. A slip is to be punished with a
razor-cut. Rose is very angry, of course.
---Yes, she would be. Personally, I have yet to meet a
woman who will let "her" man do his magickal work in
peace; or will even honestly try to be of help. I
certainly should like to meet one before I die; but half
a century is gone already, and this paragon remains
invisible. I doubt Gloria Steinem would qualify.
The converse may be equally true; but I at least have
tried to be of help and not to interfere. My women keep
botching it up, however. My men are just as bad, but at
least you don't have to live with them. Or, *I*
don't.---
One notices in Refusing to Answer Questions that nearly
everything said to one is a question. One notices that 5 years
ago one would have called all the Gods to witness a majestic
ceremonial Vow; at present one determines to begin forthwith.
One may use this formula to battle against and overcome the
Great Devil
[Here is drawn a large question-mark, centered beneath the
words "Great Devil"]
One should consider before, speaking at all, whether the
speech is both necessary and unimportant ---(sic)--- ; for
unless these conditions are fulfilled one breaks the Vow of
Silence, of which this is a branch. {114}
---He may have meant "important", although he wrote
"unimportant"...---
One has been in fighting form all day, but this formula gives
one an idea of tremendous controlled force.
Sol-day. All things are wonderful to me. I know that I am on
the very threshold of Binah; that henceforth I shall go about my
ways in utter delight and praise. Hail!
This matter of R. to A. Q. resolves itself into a vigilance
over speech. It is thus a much harder task than plain Silence;
for interest in the conversation betrayeth this vigilance.
It has struck me that "the Black Magician abstains from salt"
is Tohu-Bohu. The abstainer from salt did so to work evil
without becoming nimak-kharam. Hence he was suspect of sorcery.
Sunday 10 March. Playing golf at Maidenhead. Very trying,
this vow of R. to A. Q.
24 slips in the practice till now.
Monday 11. Took at 10.24 P.M. a minute quantity of
Hashish--too small to have any possible effect, one would say,
judging by previous experience.
11.30. A.'.I.'. ended in D.F.Ds.' luring me away; also I
nearly slept. Rose and had tea and now wrote this. I think the
hashish has had little or no effect--perhaps just less than the
desired waking of Pratyahara. But no hallucinations; no loss of
time-sense. Possibly slight self-consciousness; but one wouldn't
like to assert it.
12 slips during the day.
Tuesday 12. 7 slips in the Practice.
At 10 P.M., about, the *minimum* dose of F.E. Anhalonium
Lewinii being 2 drops, took 1 drop only.
TAROT drew 3 of Cups (curiously enough, the card re
Tankerville said by D.D.S. to be Black Magic). Equals Mercury in
Cancer, "Abundance". {115}
Before taking drug, I note my physical condition excellent, my
mental depressed from not being able to write what I want to, my
magical exalted and on the verge of Samadhi. See opposite.
---The following annotations were originally on the page
opposite to the above entry.---
10.15 As stated opposite, took 1 drop A.L. in a good deal of
warm water. The taste is not unpleasant; it is very strangely
reminiscent of the tea of Yunan, as there prepared and drunk.
I proceed to A.'.I.'.
10.35. am busying myself with colour-thoughts of divine
nature; and the A.L. having produced no perceptible result
whatever...
---But it had, as can be seen from his busying himself
with colour-thoughts; however, he was not familiar with
the drug as yet.---
...took one drop more.
10.55. Still no apparent result.
Took *2* drops...
---It is not clear in the Diary if this was in addition
to the two previous drops or not. One should notice how
careful he was, starting with half of what was
considered the minimum dose of the drug.---
Possibly the violet centres are stimulated...
---He means retinal nerve ends, not Leadbeater cakkram
bosh, by this remark.---
...I see the flame of a match with green, blue and violet at
its edge. Probably this is mere Pratyahara resulting from
intention to attain. Closing the eyes produces no result.
11.07 Striking the magic Bell, closed eyes; I saw an
opalescent light, not well marked. Further, I had seen some fine
opal. matrix in Bond St. a few hours earlier.
11.27. Have made and drunk much tea. No symptom whatever
from the A.L.
11.30. Took 3 drops more.
---Possibly, that makes seven drops, then. It is a pity
we do not know the concentration of the solution he
used.---
11.50. No symptoms. Took 3 drops more. 10 drops in all.
This being maximum dose mentioned on label, will take no more.
{116}
See page 208.
---He continued his annotations in a back page of the
Diary, in order not to enter into the next printed date
number.---
March 12 continued. 13th Midnight 0.15. Concentration not
interfered with by drug. Maybe one gets occasional brilliant
pictures with eyes shut; but it is not enough to record. I could
get as good with plain expectation. Am apparently very sleepy.
Pupils certainly not dilated. Eyes bloodshot, which is not
surprise, after staring hard at the electric globe for over 10
minutes.
13th. 12.30 A.M. Went astral tour--no colour effects to
speak of.
9.30 A.M. Nothing whatever unusual.
Wednesday, 14 March. An excellent day. Buckmasters charming.
Sculping. He or [Hebrew letters from left to right: He,
Resh, Vau, Beth, Gimel], for Rose made a scene.
10 breaks in practice.
Fucked Rose and slept like a log.
Friday 15. 7 slips in the Practice.
[Hebrew letters from left to right: Tau, Resh, Aleph, Pe, Tau]
Theory perfect. Practice [Hebrew letter: He] with [Hebrew
letter: Yod] to [Hebrew letter: Yod] same time. [Hebrew
letter: Yod] with [Hebrew letter: Yod] and [Hebrew letter:
Pe] to the Blessed Fount of the Supernal Via Lactea, so that at
9.15 P.M. I took 4 drops F.E. Anhalonium Lewinii in cold water.
Am rather tired with my day's shopping, but peaceful and well.
9.40. Took 5 drops.
10.00. Took 5 drops.
10.27. Took 7 drops.
11.03. Accomodation of eye still perfect. Took 7 drops. No
result; but felt as if near something. Also, slight stomachic
discomfort.
Saturday 16. Cambridge won the boat race. A grand fight at
the Empire.
7 slips in the Practice. 72 in all. End thereof at 9.00 P.M.
A letter for D.D.S.
Moreover, I did demonstrate my superiority to the warring
factions {117} of Netzach and Hod by formulating Yesod in the
number [Hebrew letters from left to right: Daleth, Vau, Yod].
Sunday 17. Hasleim and Reid to lunch.
Hanko ma'alam bota hai ki Bibi sharab pibi hai, issabab, ki
beraudi sharab kala-botal meri kakhi nai chanday arse sakh-gaya
bai.
Shahed; dekhenje.
Received from V.V.V.V.V. the Word of Sol in Aries: Catena.
This is alike the Chain of Penance and that of Power. It shall
therefore be my task to form a chain of brethren by Tapas.
To this end will I subdue this my body by fasts and scourging,
by vigils and meditations, by Yama and Niyama, Asana and
Pranayama. In short, I will confirm unto myself the true grade
of 6'=5[] (which before I held but nominally) and thus fit myself
wholly for the Sorrow of Binah, the drinking of the Cup of
Tribulations, which is the Cup of Iacchus.
He should sleep upon a plank bed wrapt in his rough poncho.
His weight should be one hundred and forty-four pounds. He shall
urgently acquire money.
It shall no longer be lawful to will Initiation, but only to
do the appointed Work.
He should not buy things.
---The above recommendations do not necessarily apply to
any Adeptus Minor aspiring to Geburah.---
Tuesday 19 Netzach. F[x] and near C[lg].
Went and had a sculp from Mrs. Bruce.
Thursday 21. Sol enters Aries.
60 Jermyn St. Took 4th floor rooms. Symbol [Hebrew letter:
Aleph] between [Hebrew letter: Shin] and [Hebrew letter:
Pe].
7 cards, thus [Hebrew letter: Cheth], 2P, [Hebrew letter:
Shin], [Hebrew letter: Aleph], [Hebrew letter: Pe], 2W, [Hebrew
letter: Kaph].
Curious symmetry.
Forbidden:
Thick soups; eels, mackerel, salmon, herrings, sardines, pork,
duck, goose, macaroni, potatoes, peas, beans; pastry and sweets;
sugar, cocoa, milk, butter, save in small quantity.
Do: {118}
Exercise, less sleep, free bowels and skin. Take regular
Turkers.
---Turkish baths.---
Limit liquid to 40 oz.
Allowed:
Fish, lean meats, eggs, fruit, green vegetables and heroin.
---In those enlightened days, this diet was not
prohibitively expensive. Heroin could be freely bought
at a druggist for a few pennies, as it shuold be
today.---
Friday 22. Hod Mercury = [Greek letters: Alpha, Gamma,
Gamma, Epsilon, Lambda, Omicron, Sigma], and Swiftness.
Settled 60 Jermyn St.
Asked stores for Tau cross bed, quoted #3.3.0.
?XI.6 Day doubtful.
Saturday 23. Packing and moving.
Sunday 24. Moving in.
Monday 25. Moved into 60 Jermyn St.
Went to Tivoli and Tribune. Latter not in.
Ordered Tau bed, #3.10.0.
I think my symbol should be
[Here is drawn a downward-pointing five-pointed star.]
The
[Here is drawn a circle with an X inside it.]
momentarily and forcibly withheld by the 4. This figure being so
unstable may reverse suddenly.---This I had from S.H. Fra.
Cungnevalli 8'=3[].
Tuesday 26 XI-4.
[Hebrew letters from left to right: Aleph, Gimel, Gimel].
Jesod. The Foundation. Memb. V. symbol suppressed. The
Foundation as Art for Art's sake. {119}
Wednesday 27. Again in touch with Tankerville. 35 months
(about) needed for his Initiation. His symbol too is 80.
[Hebrew letters from left to right: Ayin, Zain, Gimel] Thus
tomorrow I must lay a firm cornerstone.
Thursday 28 XI 31/2.
Feeling seedy, took various material measures, ending with
Hg2Cl2. Met Lady Tankerville. Laid as I trust the aforesaid
firm cornerstone. Gave him Tals. HOREH and MACANEH, also
scorpion from K of S, also Sign of Saturn to read and LBR pent.
to work. Also told him of wand, oil, and incense.
Friday 29
Malkuth and Kether. Lingo.
Rather ill with diarrhoea and headache.
Tankerville copies Pantacles.
Saturday 30. H. Tilley clipped my uvula.
[Here is drawn a set of scales with a feather balanced in the
center. To the left of the left-side scale is the
astrological symbol for retrograde motion--an R in a circle
with an arrow drawn on the right-side tail of the R. To the
right of the left-side scale is the symbol for Jupiter. To
the left of the right-side scale is also the symbol for
Jupiter. To the right side of the right-side scale is the
symbol for Mercury, tilted at a 45 degree angle.]
Wrote to Tankerville re Wand and Love your enemies.
Feeling very ill with diarrhoea and sore throat.
Sunday 31. Can hardly speak--bowels a shade quieter.
Golf at Maidenhead a fiasco. On my drive again, though!
Wrote "Microbe" and "Moderate" and designed 2 posters.
Throat very clear.
Monday 1 April. Rose up resplendent as the winged dawn.
Hippodrome--idea to precipitate Pbl2HgI2 and C in vast glass
cylinders and play on them with hindlight.
---Apparently, an idea to improve the Hippodrome's
decor.---
Throat attacked, but little. {120}
Tuesday 2. The pillar of Glory--all day fagging out estimates
for cylinders; nobody will even attempt the job!
In a sub-samadhic ecstasy, beware lest you mistake mere
trein-d'etre for anything spiritual.
---"Trein-etre", that is to say, a tendency to be, or
become; the equivalent of wishful-thinking, except that
it is more potentially dangerous at that level. You may
delude yourself and create very powerful fool's-knots in
yourself, instead of attaining. A sharp difference
between spiritual reality and delusion in Buddhi-Manas.
This is very hard to define better. Think in terms of
creating even *more* tendencies in yourself, instead of
getting rid of the ones you already have. The available
energy at that point is so fluid, and the mind is in a
state so pliable that unless you keep firm hold of
yourself you will do the equivalent of normal
"day-dreaming--wishful thinking"--and create attitudes
in yourself that have nothing to do with your goal, or
your Ture Will.---
At night, bound Abramelin Talisman XXVII Atsarah on head under
Lamen, to sleep with.
Vast dreams, but memory quite dull.
Throat attacked, but little.
An interview with Guru S.A.P. etc. without dog-faced chelas.
He is good to talk to and has a *very* fine aura. One departs
stronger in every way.
---As we can see, he was somewhat of two minds about
Agamya, who was dumb from a practical standpoint, but
"had a fine aura". To the pure, all things are pure--up
to a point!---
He leaves on the 20th. It is well in his absence to select
any comparatively human chelas, if to be found and teach them.
I am to see him again to show my meditation act--mein, take
him a present of snuff?
And he must give me Hatha Yoga. Aum!
For Hatha Yoga is a letter of the word CATENA.
Wednesday 3. Messing about with chemicals all day.
9.10 P.M. Took a very small dose of Hashish, but larger than
last time, when nothing happened, and perhaps slightly larger
than the {121} time before in Bournemouth.
9.20. Expectation with some apprehension disturbing the
Chittam.
9.46. Some 20 min. Pranayama in hood, invoking Adonai.
10.10. Nearly dropped off to sleep. No symptom.
10.35. Abandoned the unequal contest.
Thursday 4 April. Neuburg here--discussing Ag. Journal
capture. He clairvoyant--rather a good one.
Friday 5. Big attack on T. They repel it.
---This refers to the Earl of Tankerville, who continued
experiencing magickal attacks, real or imagined.---
Saturday 6. Tankerville here 10.30 to 1.15, about.
Chokmah very nice.
---All this time, with all these adventures, Crowley's
magickal experiments have been continued. It should
also be remembered that in the period just previous to
this Diary he had invoked his Holy Guardian Angel daily,
under the worst possible conditions sometimes, for over
a year, on the lines of "Liber Samekh".---
Sunday 7. "The Awkward Squad"
The Mutineers would be a good name for a puzzle in which one
big shot should be used to chase and collect several small shot.
Thus:
Let the small shot be cubes (or eggs!)
[Here is drawn a diagram of the puzzle, with these words
around it:]
Wooden or cardboard sides
Glass top
Dimensions 5" x 6"
Guard room Reset puzzle by inverting box
The lines represent ridges in the tin floor. The circles are
little pillars awkward to steer past. The black dots are
holes big enough to let the `privates' escape, but too small for
the `sergeants'. There are 8 {122} privates and 4 sergeants.
Puzzle: to collect all in guard room.
The big black hole lets sergeants through.
Model--of soft wax. Fusable metal cast from this. Mould
ridges as vents, columns as holes, holes as mounds.
Went to London and met Claude.
Met 3 hunchbacks during the day. Lord have mercy upon us!
---A dig at an old Arab saw, very unflattering to
hunchbacks, but not very characteristic of Islam as a
religion, since Mohammed preached generosity towards
beggars and cripples.---
[Here is drawn a set of scales with a feather balanced in the
middle. To the left of the left-side scale is the letter K.
To the right of the left-side scale is the letter B. To the
left of the right-side scale is the letter R. To the right of
the right-side scale is the letter K. To the left of the
feather balanced in the center is the letter M. To the right
of the feather balanced in the center is the letter W. So the
letters are arranged thus:
M W
K B R K
To the right of this diagram is Arabic writing, and the
words:
O Lord, how excellent are thy
gifts unto the children of men!
With more Arabic writing beneath.]
Monday 8. 1.30 A.M. Thoroughly investigated Tankerville's
affair. Danger 2 of Swords [symbol for astrological sign Libra]
Water and carts. From the 2 women, A. of P. behind--no man.
D.D.S. in town: approved Preliminary Lection of History.
Note on Tarot Divination: The symbols for me and for the enemy
were several times identical, of course with widely different
attributions when examined. This, I think, shows harmony in the
divination, or that one is really at close grips with the enemy.
---Actually it showed, as subsequent events proved, that
Tankerville's paranoia was already identifying Crowley
with his host of enemies, real or imaginary.---
Tuesday 9. Rose up--usual `scene'.
---Very naturally, Rose hotly resented her husband's
living away from her, and suspected his motives to be
sexual, rather than mystical. From what we know of her,
she was a sentimental woman of very weak intellect and
even weaker character; in her role as first Scarlet
Woman she was the patient, rather than the agent, of the
Forces that manifested through her. Had she been able
to live up to her position...But dreams are cheap,
specially post-mortem.--- {123}
Sunny Jim a masochist explains all.
[Here is drawn a set of scales with a feather balanced in the
center. To the left of the left-side scale is the letter R.
To the right of the left-side scale is the letter K. To the
left of the right-side scale is the letter K. To the right of
the right-side scale is the letter B. To the left of the
feather balanced in the center are the letters VE. To the
right of the feather balanced in the center are the letters
RA. So the letters are arranged thus:
VE RA
R K K B
End note.]
Thursday 11. Binah. Hashish. Started 5.45. Binah left
8.00, some effect being on.
---This means that, although he was still under the
effect of the drug, contact with Binah ceased. It
should be remarked that as a rule only advanced
Initiates, who have built a lot of Magickal momentum,
will be able to achieve contact with the Supernals
through drug stimulation. Most people remain in Ruach,
or Nephesch, and dream. There may be exceptions to this
rule--the aleatory nature of phenomenal flux demands
that there should be. They will be extremely rare,
however. We do not know of any one case where valuable
results occurred from casual drug-taking by average
people. Of course, our definition of "valuable" differs
from the average.---
From 9 to 11 at London Pavilion. Can't remember much.
General intensification of self-consciousness. No shadow of
Samadhi in any sense whatsoever.
Friday 12. Effects lasting into today.
General dulling of self.
Gray came in evening. This student is well advanced. Gave
him Fuller's drawing and Sword of Song.
---Crowley's poem by that name, full of initiatic
symbolism relating to the crossing from the G.D. into
the R.R. et A.C.---
Rose up--quite decent, for a change.
Saturday 13. Down to Chistlehurst.
[Here is drawn a set of scales with a feather balanced in the
center. To the left of the left-side scale is the letter R.
To the right of the left-side scale is the letter K. To the
left of the right-side scale is the letter K. To the right of
the right-side scale is the letter B. To the left of the
feather balanced in the center is the letter R. To the right
of the feather balanced in the center is the letter W. So the
letters are arranged thus:
R W
R K K B
End note.]
Sunday 14. At Chistlehurst, walking. Rose and Gretel snarl
and {124} scold.
Monday 15. Back to town.
Wrote Rodin dedication. [Greek letters:
Epsilon-Lambda-Lambda-Eta-Nu, Kappa-Alpha-Tau,
Alpha-Sigma-Tau-Epsilon-Rho, Epsilon-Iota]
Tuesday 16. *Tankerville's card 7 Swords. Warned him astrally
against vacillation. All this at dead of night.*
---This means that Crowley, worried about Tankerville,
drew a card for him; and as a result, warned him
astrally against the danger represented by the card at
that point.---
P.M. Tankerville's card 10 Cups.
[Here in the margin is Arabic writing.]
---Which means that in the evening of the same day
Crowley again drew a card for Tankerville and the
situation had changed.
This kind of activity on the part of Initiates is
more common than most people think. What is more, the
disciple may not even become consciously aware of what
is being done, unless he or she has mental training.---
Wednesday 17. Chesed--11 hours of it!
A most marvellous and magnificent revelation of every side of
the Divine Self.
Note: Self-love blinds its devotees so that the obvious
allusions to fact in the Q's Q pass as `art'--even the cabmen and
the name!
Tankerville's care o P between Hermit and Ace of Swords.
Nota Bene: 6 P.M. a very small dose, say 3 gr. Effects just
noticeable.
Aha! At 3 A.M. it started and went on till midday `ramping and
raging'. Easing up in P.M. and asleep at night.
Thursday 18. I think it's all right. I find myself laughing
at her.
Without attempting to concentrate off her, thought of her some
5 or 6 times only. No sort of hankering.
---We do not know if he is speaking of Rose, or some
other woman who, he was afraid, might break his circle
during the Operation he was carrying on. Maybe
Elaine?...---
At Home Park. Gave Sunny Jim a stroke a hole and squared the
match. Round in 93, going out very weak; home in 43. Missed a
short {125} putt at the 17th for the match. Short! Short!
Short. Not up! Not up! Not up!
Tankerville's card Q P between 7 and 8 S. Should think he was
coming to town.
Friday 19 April. A.S. committee.
Tankerville has been ill with the flu.
[Here is drawn simply the scales, with the feather balanced in
the center. To the right of the drawing are the words:]
Quite clear, I think, of trouble.
Saturday 20. Went to New Gallery private view.
Sunday 21. XI-8.
This must stop!
Reading Molinos.
7.00, about. Cut my hand severely; either Brer Bartzabel or
Tankerville's friends--Rota says latter.
The 7th series of 14[ns], not written under the stress of
hunger, but on a prearranged plan to describe rape from the
passive's point dating from (I think) Binah in Series I.
After Turkish Bath.
1.26. On for half an hour, invoking Geburah forces.
Finished Molinos.
2.25. Cut deep, deep, deep!
2.50. Praying.
4.00. After this curious state, part prayer, part reverie,
part sleep, I arise and take chocolate. Also, at
4.15. I take 30 drops F.E. Anhalonium Lewinii (March 15, 28
drops useless).
6.30, after prolonged meditation--nuffin come of it.
Abandoned the unequal contest; and began to write a 14 of 14[ns]
concerning the {126} pleasure of being raped, *or*, the
pleasure of pretending. It is a question of art.
And completed the same, reconciling the opposites in the
Majesty of Him in whom and by whose favor all is One.
---Eventually this became his short drama, The
Scorpion.---
Meditation required: "How to spike the Dvaitist guns."
Monday 22. 2.20 A.M. Insomnia and neuralgic headache. Is
it from Mescal, Tankerville, hard work, or just my bloody luck?
[Here is drawn simply the scales with the feather balanced in
the center. To the right of the drawing are the words:]
A silly weary day bright with a
letter from the Bright One.
Tuesday 23. A.J. trying to get rid of me. (24th also of
Fuller)
---This is Sunny Jim, the golf pro who has been teaching
him the game. Apparently his masochism has run out.
(See entry of 9th April.)---
Tankerville cards admirable.
10 P, Teth, Qoph, A P, Kt. S, Q S, A C, Tau, 6 P
[Directly under the word "Teth" are the Greek letters:
Omicron-Upsilon, Mu-Eta. Directly under the "Kt. S" is the word
"Him" and directly under the "Q S" is the word "Her".]
He looks to me. (A vague hint of attack, possibly only a
reconaissance force.)
Wednesday 24. Letter from Tankerville confirming mine of
Sunday-Monday trouble.
They are to be refuted by Yod, 6 W, Aleph.
They are quite happy; trouble brewing for them, though.
They end ill. (8 of Cups)
The means: Silence, concealed light, are the conditions of
Victory. .'. no ceremonial against them, but Yoga.
[Here in the margin is Arabic writing.]
Thursday 25. At Home Park beat Sunny Jim (a stroke a hole) by 4
and 3 and won the bye 2 up! Round in 100 at that! O wretched
man that thou art! Who shall deliver thee from the body of this
foozlery? {127}
---Quite properly, he is kicking himself for being so
absurdly happy at having won a game from the pro.
`Foozlery', a delightful word, may have been invented on
the spot to give his view of himself as would-be
champion golfer.---
[Here is drawn simply the scales with the feather balanced in
the center. To the right side of the drawing are the words:]
Another scratch. Card for
tonight 7 of Swords, dignified so
as to imply that I must persevere
steadily, and so victory
is quite easy and certain. Averaging alternate days, Passion and
Peace since 26th, this Pyrrho-Zoroastrianistic tie. Includes the
harlot and the virgin.
Friday 26. Tankerville writes of various things, will drive
me Saturday night. Cards for this 6 of Cups between 8 of Cups
and Virgo = Beginning of success in my chain. Watch and work!
Tankerville's card for tonight--Nun, Cheth, 4 P; Victory in an
unexpected manner, perhaps by a Prince of Swords and a Queen of
Coins.
Insisted on the R.K. arm of the [symbol for the astrological
sign Libra].
---The following entry has a note to it that it should
belong to the 24th, Wednesday.---
Tidying. Fullers to tea and dinner.
M and D at night. Rather good fun.
Tankerville's card (he wires me, Coming up 26th), Vau between
8 and 7 of Swords. He will invoke me as a Master.
My reply will be Nun between Kaph and P. of W. aspecting A.S.
and 2 P.
i.e., my answer will depend entirely upon circumstances; it
will be dictated by considerations of my occult welfare and will
involve a visit to friends (presumably them) and a deal of
Invoking. The enemy are slowly recovering; they are very
disappointed; they are likely travelling by water; if not, they
are writing or studying in the hope of finding a stronger spell.
---Since Tankerville's enemies were *inside*
Tankerville, all this divination {128} may have
referred to the wretched Earl's own activities at the
time. Quite probably, paranoia such as Tankerville's
may be caused by "ancestors" in the person's own
consciousness, trying to destroy him or her rather than
be destroyed, that is, consigned to "Hell"--Cf. LIBER
ALEPH, Chs. 124-125, 128-132.---
Saturday 27. Explaining to Tankerville the Rota, the
Pentagram, the Astral Journey, etc. He is a good
Spirit-clairvoyant, a bad Air and Earth one.
Pretty bloody tired.
His card 6 S all right. Lady Tankerville's 7 W. She possibly
was attacked, but conquered easily.
12.45 A.M. Angel of A.S. "They are going to travel by water
soon." Rose sees this.
She describes Biarritz perfectly. There has been great
trouble there. Perhaps a death of one of them. (She sees 4 or 5
of them. 2 children.) She thinks I may meet them in London.
It would have been interesting to have ascertained whether any
of Tankerville's ancestors, either on his father or his mother's
side, had ever had an accident or trouble in that city.
This part of the Diary contains two extensive projects, one
for a puzzle, another for an indoor golf-course, which are
omitted here.
Sunday 28. Played not-golf at Maidenhead.
---No special mystical meaning, he just thought he
played poorly.---
Tankerville here from 9 to 12, chatting. No attack or other
trouble.
[Here is drawn the scales with the feather balanced in the
middle, with these words to the bottom left:]
Self tired and neuralgic; hence
---The tiredness and neuralgia quite possibly came from
Tankerville's unconscious vampirization of A.C., who
took a long time to realize that the Earl's enemies were
imaginary.---
Monday 29. Blow approves Awkward Squad and Boat Race.
Tell-tale heart workmanship hits good. {129}
Subject too horrid.
---The "Tell-tale heart workman" is Edgar Allen Poe,
whose short story he was adapting as a playlet. Cf.
EQUINOX I 8.---
At Chistlehurst. Rose clairvoyant for Tankerville.
---Since Tankerville was self-deluded, it might have
been interesting to find out if Rose's visions really
had anything to do with ancestors of his, or were merely
telepathic exteriorizations of this fears. This is one
of the many problems when trying to `skry' for someone
else's benefit. Also, one of the many reasons why
`spiritualistic seances' are unhealthy and ought not to
be practiced.---
(In the morning, before I arrived.) Rose says Tankerville is
attacked by two women; old, one (B) the servaant or companion of
(A). They are in Southern Europe (correct)...
---That is, correct according to A.C.'s own Tarot work.
He used check marks for this, and we will use the word
`check' for his check marks henceforth in this entry.---
...She knows Lady O. was taken into the Circle (check).
---That is, was taken into the confidence of the Earl's
defenders. Naturally, eventually Tankerville accused the
old lady as well.---
In the afternoon (with me): B. dominates A. (check). A. has
stolen money (check). Sunday night attack--facts all correct
(check). Saturday night--no attack; we were too strong (check).
P.'s astral messages reached A. and made her ill...
---"P." is Perdurabo, naturally. It is interesting that
Rose should say that Crowley's astral messages reached
A. and made her ill, since the messages were directed at
the Earl, and not at his enemies. But this useful hint
passed unnoticed at the time.---
...She is certain they are on the water going from Biarritz to
Hong Kong. (A.'s thoughts?)
There was one bad mistake in Tankerville's invocation (check).
B.'s hair is straight, flaxen-ashen (check). She is 45 to 50
years old (more), wears spectacles (?), is short and stout
(check). German type of face (check). Forehead high (check).
Eyes normal and close together, grey with small pupils.
Cheekbones high (check). Nose very straight, lumpy and open
nostrils (no, this is A.). Mouth a thin slit (very large. This
{130} is A.'s). Chin receding (this is A.) She bites her nails
(?). Intellect acute and selfish (check).
Religion (long uncertainty): A. is Roman Catholic (Protestant
Evangelical)...
---Meaning, one thing or the other, both rating as
fanatical and intolerant faiths.---
...but she is a mere humbug (check). Marriage--none; but she
is unchaste (check). B. is doing all the mischief (check):
she is jealous of Lady Tankerville. Yesterday (Sunday) no
disturbance at all (check): A.'s illness put B. on her guard.
She is now on her defence. She will attack again and do a lot
of damage. Her part is up in (say) a year. They may be
drowned. She will do no ultimate or irreparable harm. A
great change will occur in less than a year from now. P. will
pull the Tankervilles through. Rose will be useful to see
things. Tankerville and P. closely associated.
---Much of this was Crolwey's own wishful thinking
reflected back through his wife. He wanted an Earl as a
pupil, and Tankerville was an influential man.---
B. rules A. even to her petty cash (check). B. is trying
(perhaps has succeeded) to get A. to alter her will (check). The
"place with a z in it" has also a A--B--R--T--no E--an I--quite
sure no letter is repeated. It faces West (check). They are
coming to England (check)--London. No! Paris--on thier way
(check). After London, they go North (?). B. will bring
something filthy into Rose's life.
---A note written on August 2 referring to the datum
"After London, they go North" reads:---
This was right.
Tuesday 30. Golf at Cla'hurst. Round in 85.
Arthur Morrison
Salame House
Loughton, Essex.
---Arthur Morrison's address, obviously.---
Wednesday 1 May. Tankerville's card Libra counting to Virgo
and 9 Cups. {131}
Thursday 2. Rose asks: "Has a very large and clear emerald
anything to do with it?"
9.45 P.M. Tankerville's card 6 Cups well dignified and
aspected by P.W. and 8 P. Rose, complaining of obsession, takes
a new incense: Olibanum, Dragon's Blood, Tobacco, Grain of
Paradise.
What results T.'s next visit to town?
4 W fairly well dignified and aspected by A.W. and Jupiter. I
shall make a satisfactory arrangement; but must neither hurry nor
slacken. I evoked the 26th Goetia Spirit Bim for Wisdom, Wealth,
and Eloquence. At the 1st Conj. he did very readily appear and
swear obedience.
---He was obviously expecting to extract some financial
compensation from Tankerville's importunities. This
does not mean that he intended to cheat the man out of
his money. A modern psychoanalyst, at fifty dollars an
hour, would already have been into Tankerville for at
least a grand, if not more, by this time; to nobody's
benefit but the psychoanalyst's, as usual.---
Friday 3. Oskar Eckenstein came round for a game.
---Since by this time Crowley had learned enough golf to
make it fun for him.---
Working on Virgin proofs; adding some columns.
Tankerville's card A.W.
Saturday 4. Rose says a few futile things re Tankerville.
T.'s card e' P, no particular dignity.
Don't spell [Hebrew letters from left to right: Tau, Lamed,
Nun final] = The Dragon backwards: the Evil Dragon.
Sunday 5. Round Cl'hurst with the iron only in 84.
---Pretty proud of it, wasn't he?---
10 P.M. Rose Rose--a scapegoat or ram caught by its horns in
the thicket. By use of the Cunnilinge formula I made her faint
and sick, taking her vigour. Further I despatched her to the
mercy of Elant. The latter should then suppose that I am done
for, and my magic will hit hard. {132}
T's card. Es. of S. fairly well dignified aspecting 6 W and
[Hebrew letter: Pe]. A victory for us is indicated.
11.15 Invoke IAO, then Typhon and Es. of Sds.
Monday 6. Tankerville wires (10.30 A.M.) "Pretty
considerable disturbance." What happened last night (Sunday to
Monday)?
P.W. between Venus and P. C. aspected by Jupiter and Libra.
Means my victory.
I too woke up about 4 A.M. feeling that the battle was raging,
and that my forces were easily triumphant. Secure, I went to
sleep again.
D.D.S. says, 1. Get to know Sherrard & Co.; 2. Get some
ostensible position with Tankerville, to cover the magical
alliance. 3. To obligate T.
---That is, as for 2.: Find a way to explain the
relationship with Tankerville in harmless social terms,
to avoid attracting attention to a magickal
relationship. As for 3., that is standard procedure, to
force an Aspirant to commit himself or herself by some
action. Intentions that are not proved by deeds are
idle daydreams, at most.---
T.'s card 7 W dignified A.P. and P.W.
Tuesday 7 May. 40-40 here chatting.
Night. Swa Charlie, who likes me.
T. here confirming Rose's clairvoyance (Vide my pencil
notes)...
---This refers to the *check* notes to Rose's skrying on
the 30th April, q.v.---
...Very good.
---Meaning that the percentage of correct data is high.
But the figures were meaningless as clairvoyance and
good only as telepathy, since Tnakerville was deluding
himself about being persecuted.---
T. broached Boleskine question and Obligation to the Order.
"I will *apply* myself." Arranged Thursday to obligate him.
Wrote in this sense to D.D.S.
---The "obligation" being the signing of the Oath and
assumption of the Task. At that date, Crowley, Jones
and "another" had not yet formulated A.'.A.'. procedure
as clearly as they would further on.---
T.'s card [Hebrew letter: Daleth] between [Hebrew letter:
Tzaddi] and [Hebrew letter: Tau]. Good. {133}
Wednesday 8. Beat S.J. at Home Park by 3 and 2. Round in 92.
Dined with Janson, and at 60 afterwards.
T.'s card. [Hebrew letter: Pe] between Kt. S and Kt C, both
looking away. Interpret by A.P., i.e., in material manner.
Perhaps then an attack and A.P. *Kether* means the attack is to
prevent him being obligated to the Order. I must withdraw my aid
and let him fight it out alone. My card re his obligation
[symbol for astrological sign Libra]. I.e., I have nothing to
fear.
T. (as I thought) very strongly attacked all 8th.
8th: T.'s servants violently sick; so is Rose's nurse.
---One very important point about this entry is that
when Crowley learned that the magickal attack
Tankerville was going to suffer had as its purpose to
prevent the Earl joining the A.'. A.'., he decided he
must withdraw the intense magickal help which, as we
have seen, he had been giving the prospective pupil
until then. This is a very serious point: Aspiration is
private. The Instructor cannot fight your fights for
you any more than the Angel (whom the Instructor
represents on the plane of matter--if the Instructor is
a true Initiate!) could. Cf. LXV iii 13-17.---
Thursday 9. (Earliest day for Hashish)
Prelim Lection and Obln. for Bro. T.
Will T. get through his financial troubles? 6 W between
Sagittarius and 3 S. Clearly, yes.
Feeling very dispersed, took a "holiday".
[Here is drawn the scales with the feather balanced in the
center, with this word to the left:]
Excellent!
Went to Academy.
T.'s card 5 P dignified 3 W and 9 W.
Friday 10. Not-Golf at Cla'hurst. Round in 242 (?) and later
in 98 medal play.
Rose hears my chain rattling at 60!
T.'s card 4 W between 7 and 9 P aspecting Shin and Maim.
---There follows what is obviously another Rose skrying,
subsequently checked by Crowley.--- {134}
10.05. Tall (check) dark clever (check) horrible eyes (dark)
sly looking (check). Dark hair, age 38 to 40 (more).
Probably a barrister (no). forehead rather high (check).
Intellectual, yet brutal (no) or cunning (check) look. Hook
nose. Moustache (check). Mouth hidden (check), but is very
straight, cynical, merciless, sneering look. Thin figure
(check). Ears--. Mole on left side of chin(?). Chin ordinary
(?).
He is on the water.
---Another ancestor, probably. "On the water"--sailing
in the stream. This interpretation is, naturally, *a
posteriori*.---
Saturday 11. T.'s card Venus between Leo and 7 W.
Sunday 12. Not-Golf at Cla'hurst A.M., 98. P.M. with iron
(say 88).
[Here is drawn the scales, a circle balanced atop a vertical
line in the center where the feather has previously been.
Above the left scale is an equal-armed cross. Above the right
scale is a circle. The feather is to the right of the scales
with the letters R K to the left of it, and the letters K B to
the right of it.]
T.'s card Gemini between 6 P and 7 W aspecting Tau and 4 C.
Why is Jones not there? 11.40 answer. He was detained by an
unexpected business affair.
Monday 13. Jones and Tankerville meet.
T.'s card P W between [Hebrew letter: Nun] and A S.
Tuesday 14. Geburah--Oh Joy! Joy! Joy!
Wednesday 15. T.'s card Ps. W between 2 and 3 P.
McCorville talking--he knows Gibbs & Co.
Thursday 16. T.'s card (10 P.M.) 7 W between 2 W & 6 P.
[Here is a drawing with Arabic writing arranged thus:]
o
|
____________________|_____________________ N.S.? No good.
| [Arabic writing] (Can't send this.
[Arabic writing] | [Arabic writing] 13. 7. 07.)
| [Arabic writing]
| [Arabic writing]
|
|
{135}
Tiphereth--splendid.
Walter Scott accepts Star in the West.
Friday 17. Praise be to God--I saw [Hebrew letter: Lamed]
again.
To Cambridge. 2nd M.J.
Saturday 18. Talking.
Sunday 19. Lunch with S--.
Monday 20. The Zancig Racket.
Tuesday 21. A Dhyana today.
Very tired--I formulated the Universe as Nostrils, then as
Tree of Life which merged into a .
Only a moment--Rose in room--yet very brilliant.
Back to London.
[Here is drawn the scales without the feather, and these words
to the left of the drawing:]
Bah! All this too easy. Let go the
painter! Cling to the Order!
T.'s card Moon between A C and P W. Very excellent.
Wednesday 22. Dined--Mrs. McCarthy.
T.'s card Sagittarius between Tau and 4 C. Aspected by 4 P
and Q W (strong). Good, especially for Jupiter symbols.
Thursday 23. Slave to a phonograph.
---This meant that "pop" music (of his days, naturally)
was played within his hearing long enough to upset his
normal serenity and concentration. He probably was
visiting somewhere, and for reasons of politeness could
not protest.---
Friday 24 May. T.'s card Sol between 2 W and [see note] (1.30
A.M.)
[Here is drawn the symbol for Jupiter, but with the left curve
a solid crescent moon shape.]
---Notice his constant preoccupation with Tankerville,
to the point of casting the Tarot for him at that time
in the morning, to know how the Earl was faring even
during sleep. Notice also the very significant way in
which the Symbol for Jupiter is drawn.---
My card for the day [Hebrew letter: Pe] between 8 P &
[Hebrew letter: Mem]. {136}
Netzach. Rather sweet, though without a single-----.'. did I
add unto it that which lacked,
[Here is drawn the scales without the feather and these words
to the right of the drawing:]
Surely a curious combination!
84 Denby St. SW.
For T.:
[Here is drawn an arc of letters and symbols I presume
representing Tarot cards around the name "Lady T." The letters
read from left to right: 5P, AS, an O shape with an arrow
running up through and pointing to the right of it, with two
straight lines beneath it and an S next to it, Kt C, Hebrew
letter Shin, Hebrew letter that could be either Tzaddi or
Ayin, Hebrew letter He, Hebrew letter Vau, Hebrew letter
Daleth. The original book EQUINOX Volume V No. 4 has exact
photo reproductions of Crowley's drawings and in places such
as this one even his handwriting.]
I can only read this as altogether admirable. All
[Here is drawn a circle with an X in it.]
at his back and [Hebrew letter: Lamed] at hers. He looks to
Invoked Force.
[Here is drawn a feather.]
Really wonderful at He.
Saturday 25. Not-Golf--101.
Sunday 26. Golf--88 with iron only.
---Obviously his best club.---
T.'s card 9 S between A C and Libra, aspected by P W and 5 C.
Good aspects but a fairly bad card. What shall my action be? 10
P between P W and Ps W, aspected by 4 P and 7 P.
Monday 27. A general clearance--Berashith.
Tuesday 28. ! What a surprise. ii. 8. V. G.
Saw Tweed, etc.
Dinner with Tankerville.
[Here is drawn a feather with the letters LA. to the right of
it.]
[Hebrew letters from left to right: Cheth, Tau] feels fear
of [Greek letters: Omicron-Upsilon, Mu-Eta] at first. Has a
message [here is an upright equilateral triangle] between [the
symbol for the astrological sign Cancer] and 8 {137} W (her
ascendent is Mercury in Sagittarius). Has been absurd but will
learn sense (Air between Cancer and Aries aspected by Capricorn).
Neuburg's vision important here. Independent without
knowledge. Strong for fear of weakness; knowing not the Dao of
the unutterable Dao.
---"Strong for fear of weakness"--that is, a person who
manifests strength not as a spontaneous character trait,
but as a self-conscious effort to avoid the
manifestation of his or her concept of weakness in his
or her life. Such strength is not natural, thus is not
in harmony with the Dao.
Then, is weakness a virtue? Thelemic concepts seem
to indicate it is not. But that depends on what kind of
weakness is being discussed. "Moral" values do not
enter in consideration here. The point is that a person
who is consciously trying to avoid the manifestation of
weakness in his or her life will make mistakes. It may
be that eventually the persistent practice of strength
will build new character traits in the person's
life--cf. LXV v 48-56; but until then, mistakes are to
be expected, and should be provided for.
It *is* possible to build new tendencies in yourself;
indeed, this is one of the essentials of Initiatic
training.
But it is difficult.---
Wednesday 29. D.C. of Tankerville at a public
meeting--teetotalers in London.
---"D.C." probably stands for dream.---
Lord and Lady Tankerville to tea and dined with them.
Thursday 30. Took Oath of 8'=3[] in presence of Tankerville.
Rose with me to call on them.
---One may ask why he should want to take such a solemn
Oath in the presence of such oaf (pardon the pun). The
answer probably is that Crowley was beginning to sense
Tankerville's paranoia, and wanted to allay the pupil's
(and his wife's!) fears of him. The Oath leaves no
doubt that the person who takes it is going to be
harmless to all living things forevermore--if he or she
sticks to it. Of course, this "harmlessness" is of the
Dao...--- {138}
Friday 31. Getting ever feebler.
Tankerville called: we arranged a Great Retirement.
[Here is drawn a feather with these words to the right of it:]
Good God. Spain?
Saturday 1 June. Abandoned the unequal contest. Golf till
Monday 1 P.M.
Sunday 2. Golf.
Monday 3. Golf.
Back to London, a bit fitter.
Tuesday 4. All night with Jones working on Virgin.
Getting Houseboat.
Another breakdown.
Wednesday 5. Tankerville arrives in Pantacle trouble.
Return to Cla'hurst.
Thursday 5. Fullers up and to Buckmasters.
Friday 7. At Tweeds meeting Roussel. 8-1.30.
Wrote to Fuller.
Settling with Tankerville re houseboat. Jones up.
---The purpose of the houseboat: since the Earl thought
he was being magickally attacked, they would travel on
water, which traditionally makes it difficult for
magickal attacks to occur. In this context it should be
remarked that the wily con-man who founded "Scientology"
lived on a yacht for years. Undoubtedly, he had his
reasons.---
O.E. called.
---Oscar Eckenstein, again.---
[Here is drawn a feather with these words to the right of it:]
206 Marylebone St.
{139}
Saturday 9. Settling boat.
Golf at Cla'hurst.
Wore Knighton's shoes and blistered left foot in two places,
thus
[Here is drawn the sole of a foot, with two places marked
beneath the big and second toes.]
Sunday 9 June. Golf at Cla'hurst.
Fucked Rose.
[Arabic writing]
[Arabic writing]
Sidney
Monday 10. Wrote Knighton re shoes. "Take them away."
Tuesday 11. Final preparations.
Wednesday 12. Left S'hampton via Alton.
Lunch with Agnes Crowley.
To We'chester and saw Charlie Ossulton. To S'hampton and on
board `Ellida' in a notable gale of wind.
Friday 14. To Beaulieu Creek.
The Wreck--the Rescue.
Saturday 15. Did a futile consecration of the big Pentagram
in colours, etc.
11.30. Sitting down. Looking up Chesed correspondences for
T.
11.51. Pranayama. 10 cycles 10. 20. 30.
Sunday 16. 12.05 A.M. Odd and original pictures. A great
and terrible dream. I lying in the arms of some woman, a
certain man came to take her away. He wooed her successfully,
then asked, "Who is your man?". And my smiling face being
uncovered, the pangs of inmost hell took him and gnashing his
teeth he fled away. But we followed {140} and hewed him pieces
before the Lord in Gilgal. This is the basis of a grand play.
---Also, the result of too much Bible-reading when a
boy. The ancient Hebrews, like Mr. Menachen Begin
recently, were always hewing some "heathen" or another
"before the Lord", though not always in Gilgal.---
5.05-5.30. Pranayama 10. 20. 30.
Monday 17. 0'=0[] and [astrological symbol for the planet
Mercury] Spirit under Hashish for T.
Usual introspection effect and some loss of time sense, also a
good deal of effect with Adonai. At the formula "Be thy mind
opened unto the higher, etc." got wonderful effects in the
sweeping comet that I was.
This morning all pretty well.
---The above entry means that he performed the old
Golden Dawn Neophyte Ritual for Tankerville's benefit,
then the "Adonai Invocation" that eventually coalesced
into Liber Samekh.---
Tuesday 18. Going on slowly with Adonai work. *k*.
Wrecked again!
Dreams vast but foolish.
Wednesday 19. 12.29-1.30. Pranayama with a few rests, i.e.,
omitting Kumbhakham.
Remarkable results. (1) Very near neighborhood-concentration,
i.e., forgetting everything...
---Means that you suddenly don't know what you were
doing, or where you are, and even, sometimes, who you
are. Not a very pleasant experience when it happens for
the first time, and always inconvenient in that it stops
the practice, unelss you are advanced enough that you
continue (without noticing with your conscious mind that
you have been doing so) while asking yourself
frantically who you are, where you are, etc.---
...(2) Very near L.V.X. (3) Arms began to levitate. After
ending, quite miexed about the year--1907 seeming a very long way
back. (4) Near perspiration--N.B., in an English June.
Good for scaffolding. {141}
Thursday 20. Rose arrives.
Rose's narrow escape in Pall Mall an attempt on my life.
---This supposing Rose was not lying to awaken her
mystical husband's sympathy.---
Final end of T.'s enemies (a very good divination--quite
impractical, etc.)
---One can see that his understanding of the Earl's real
problem was increasing.---
[Here is drawn 5 rays emanating from a central point with
letters or symbols which I cannot identify at the point of
each. To the right of the drawing are the words:]
433 merit
= desert
Death--Vengeance of Adepts.
Friday 21. Rose here.
Tell Frances I am going abroad with Lord T., and Lady T. will
use my rooms. Arrange for Annette. See Fuller--?Yesod.
See Jones.
(Bernard Berridge 11 Old Broad St. "Bees".)
Wire rendezvous to Southwestern Hotel S'hton. T. will wire
sailing arrangements.
Cash cheques and buy notes.
Longman & Str. Charlie's Talisman.
Goetia for Lady T.
Paterson for teeth.
Savory and Moore's Absorbent Lozenges for Rose.
Mme. Lucille Ltd. Hanover Sq. next to Gainsborough's.
(To be avoided!)
---Quite possibly a whorehouse's address.---
Have tea. Ask for Miss Lee.
Saturday 22. T. gets a little L.V.X.
Urgent telegram from Berridge.
Ritual of Geburah and Path of Pe. {142}
Monday 24. To London.
[Here is drawn a feather with these words to the left and
right:]
[fe
Tuesday 25. Malkuth very nice. ath
Getting ready. er]
Received from Lord Tankerville Paid for him
Salary #40 Cash #20
Expenses #60 Rent #11.7.6 Excess in town
Ticket # Excess in town
#3.0.0. (about)
---As can bee seen from the above attempt at keeping
track of monetary transactions, Crowley was not very
good at accounting. The only thing that can be said for
him is that he was just as careless spending his own
money as he was spending other people's.---
In case of a train running past an adverse signal, let there
be a button on the rail, which on depression pushes down a rod
and detonates an alarm at the other end or else sounds a bell.
[Here is drawn a diagram of the device.]
The lowering of the signal puts the lever out of gear. When
both contacts are made, i.e., when signal is up and button is
down together, a detonator explodes.
---This was more fun than worrying over paltry sums.---
Wednesday 26 June. Getting ready.
[Two Egyptian-style feathers drawn here, pointing to the left
rather than the right as has been the norm up to now, and
these words to the right of them:]
Oh how sad!
Thursday 27. Left for Paris.
Friday 28. Left for Marseille {143}
Saturday 29. Arrived at Marseille.
[Here are some feathers and symbols which I cannot identify]
Sunday 30. Early in A.M. a most wonderful, complex dream
containing two key lucid Dhyanas, [here is drawn an eye in a
triangle] and [here is drawn the symbol for Sol]. One really
almost doubts whether it was a dream!
[Here is drawn a downward pointing feather with these words to
the right of it:]
Very good.
Monday 1 July. Boarded P & O SS. Mongolia for Gibraltar.
Wednesday 3. Arrived at Gibraltar--a 46 hour journey from
Marseille. Put up at Hotel Bristol--a coldish wind blowing.
Lord Tankerville again (and again--night) accuses me of
disrespect for women...
---Now, feminists should read with strict attention how
Crowley defends himself against the accusation, which
was made, naturally, due to the fact that he liked to
"feel" girls and probably did not speak of women as if
they were the Virgin Mary descended to earthly (and
earthy) pursuits.---
He has twice so injured his wife as to cause her to miscarry,
and she is still ill. He states that his own mother is guilty
of:
(1) Incest, with her father.
(2) Adultery.
(3) Lesbian vice.
(4) Witchcraft, "mental murder", et hoc genus omne.
He believes in a great conspiracy to ruin him. Feels pressure
on his brain, and his nerves are `on the outside of his body'.
Regards every one with suspicion. Has a sister in an asylum.
Has attempted suicide. Has violently, often murderously attacked
his wife. Is always threatening to shoot his mother and her companions.
Has delusions about his mother and others. Is sexually deranged,
having an irrational horror of `animalities'. Is always getting
`suggestions' and believes himself to be permanently hypnotized.
Thinks doctors all in a conspiracy against the human race...
{144}
---Well, as far as the A.M.A. is concerned, perhaps he
was not so far off the mark.---
...Takes cocaine.
I have bestowed a king's ransom and more of pearls...
---Of wisdom, naturally. And, as can be seen from this
Diary, he had. Also, as can be seen from this entry, he
is quite angry right now. With reason, of course.---
...on Tankerville. Look for them, you! in the mire of his
mind, trampled by the hoggish hoofs of his egotism.
Talking to T. is like being in a cage with a wild beast. One
doesn't take one's eye off him, as it were. A single unguarded
word, the result of irritation or indigestion, and he would, I
verily believe, go raving mad.
---Which shows that Crowley was on his best behavior,
and was sweet and mild. Not an easy task. In this type
of situation, the tendency of people like Tankerville is
to shower all the abuse they can on the would-be
rescuer, in hopes that the poor wretch will give up and
go away and leave them to their pursuit of their face in
the mirror of their ego until they self-destruct to
their satisfaction.---
Thursday 4 July. Went over into Spain
Friday 5. A dull day.
Saturday 6. Boarded Jebel Musa for Tangier.
[Here is drawn a downward pointing left-oriented feather.]
Arrived Tangier. Hotel Continental.
[Here are drawn two downward pointing left-oriented feathers.]
*Wrote...*
---(illegible. The title of some literary piece, poetry
or prose)---
The Wisdom of Mohammed Sahib:
---Obviously, some priceless Moslem idiot. Again, the
fact that Crowley took the trouble to jot all this down
gives us insight into his attitude to {145} women.---
Bread-selling is disgraceful; only divorced women do it.
14 is rosebud.
---(A fourteen-year-old girl, of course.)---
17 is full rose.
Appearance of hair around anus the end of attraction.
A certain unwillingness lends charm.
"I'm sick of your teaching-teaching-teaching, as if you were
God omnipotent and I were a poor bloody shit in the street."
Lord Tankerville
---There spoke the true aristocratic spirit.---
*A notable fancy*
I saw a golden throne in heaven reserved for James, whom Herod
slew;
And Peter whom they crucified had got a ripping palace too.
The Order of the Bath was worn by poor old roasted Polycarp
And Andrew had a beautiful inlaid and gilded rosewood harp.
Sebastian had a golden crown and strong Stephen one of
platinum;
While starved St. Mungo ate and ate West India turtles with
green fat in 'im.
St. Lawrence sported an appropriate and dainty silver grill;
But I had spent my holiday with George the Earl of
Tankerville.
The Lord apologized to me: "It really wasn't in My plan;
"Come off it, Jesus Christ," He said, "your seat will suit
this gentleman!"
When Moses prayed, the Lord replied, the process never seemed
to fail him.
I aimed at being Moses, too, I've missed the beggar and hit
Balaam.
---Too much Bible-reading in infancy. But funny, isn't
it? That is, funny if you aren't the one there with
Lord Tankerville.--- {146}
o Monday 8 July. Another long battle.
Throat bad, probably from liver chill in sea. This and a
combination of diarrhoea effectually cause me to pass the day
like Fuller's Lily.
At night, disturbed sleep and entire tameness of both ends.
---This must have caused Tankerville a good deal of
satisfaction.---
Tuesday 9. Throat worse again.
[Here is drawn an upright right-oriented feather with the
symbol for Mars to the right, and these words to the right:]
Faint, yet pursuing!
The Wisdom of Taib Mesmundi partakes largely of Buddha's own
pessism. The only bright point in his system seems to be the
excessive beauty of the boys in Fez.
Wednesday 10.
[Here is drawn an upright right-oriented feather with the word
"Re'action" to the left and "Fe'ministe" to the right.]
Multiplication is vexation.
Division's twice as bad.
The Rule of Three, it puzzles me,
But Tanky drives me mad.
Thursday 11. Most unsatisfactory news from Rose, who is
burning my MSS., including "Dieu libre et criminel".
---As if he already did not have enough to cope with.
The epigram on Job: "Cunning devil! Not to take his
spouse!"---
*A Misogynist's Diary and Birthday Book.*
"I who have seen more of life than most men, if I had a son,
would go on my knees and beg him to avoid woman, who is worse
than poison."
Thackeray {147}
---Apparently, the bitterness against Rose's stupidity
and spite abated, for the "Diary and Birthday Book" was
not continued. At least, not at that time.---
Let me have the courage of Loyola and formulate a system of
retirement, 10 weeks for the Sephiroth, which shall make anybody
and adept.
---But Loyola's system creates nice robot replicas of
Loyola to serve Loyola's purposes; it does not create
Adepts. You don't need much courage for that, just a
few scruples.---
(or 32 Days for the Set)
Here is one practice:
"The Thinkable is False". Sit down and watch your thoughts
and keep on saying, "That's a lie".
---The problem with this practice is that unless you
have already acquired some mastery of Asana, Pranayama
and Dharana you will not be able to keep it up long
enough and intensely enough to produce a result; as
Eckenstein demonstrated to Crowley. But Crowley never
stopped trying to find short cuts for spiritual
progress. This can be said to his credit, that in the
A.'. A.'. System he produced the deepest and most
efficient Method of Training known to mankind at the
present time.---
Done 13th inst. in the rough.
*A memorable fancy*
The patriarch Job dined with me, being hungry; he had not
appreciated the petit dejeuner chez Ezechiel! After dinner we
played Patience Exacte. I won the first hand, holding my wife
and her relations--a vole. He won the second with his
wife--Bildad Eliphany and----. In the third, I held the same
cards as before, and turned up Lord Tankerville. "I mark the
King", says I. "The devil take the cards!" says Job, and went
off in a rage.
I think this stamps me clearly as an 8'=3[] elect.
I don't know about the Power of Samadhi; but I can tolerate
Tankerville, and I want a new grade specially created for *that*.
{148}
Friday 12 July. Mostly in bed; a little fever.
Wrote "The Mask of Gilt".
Saturday 13. In bed, fever abated. Still far from fit.
Wrote poem "There is no other God than He".
---Both poems were eventually published as part of Konx
Om Pax.---
The curious sense that I have the Power of Samadhi is again
with me. No doubt I have attained; only a question of waiting
without attachment for the reward.
Sunday 14. T.'s ill temper can be cured; but what of his
cowardice? He is as stupid as an owl, as suspicious as a madman;
as obstinate as an ass, as ignorant as an American; as cowardly
as a Bengali; as conservative as a brickbat; as irritable as a
scorpion. Ay! and more. How comes it then that he is capable of
annoying an adept? Because the adept is fool enough to be trying
honestly to do him good.
(I know now what the Middle Ages must have been, when T.'s
disease was contagious.)
Monday 15. There is hope of doing much with Tankerville.
Look what Samson did, with very inferior specimens of both bone
and beast.
With so simple a means as an ass and his jaw
What Samson achieved is described in the Law.
The feats of the Nazarite I may surpass:
It's a far harder jaw, and a far bigger ass.
A very bad attack for violence. But he's better: he curses
me, not the Dowager and Elant any more. A very great advance.
---This is a mystical statement, and not meant in irony
in the least. The pupil always hates the Master, whom
he (or she!) associates with mortification of the Ego.
By focusing his hatred on Crowley, Tankerville had a
better chance of curing himself than by focusing it on
others who were not attacking him, while Crowley, in a
very definite sense, was. By Tankerville's own choice,
naturally.--- {149}
Tuesday 16 July. nother bad dream in early A.M. After
finishing "The Devilled Earl"...
---This poem, also, was published in Konx Om Pax.---
...I must shut myself up from his Qliphoth; but what will
Jones say?
---Meaning, the Master of the Temple has no business
shutting him(her)self up from anything, and Jones had
been Crowley's Herald to the Grade. But the planes were
not mixed; Crowley, the instrument, had to protect
itself; the Master was wide open. The analogy is to a
holy man or woman still having to avoid touching poison
ivy, or having to undergo the rash or neutralize it by
the use of Energy that would be better applied
elsewhere.---
I'd better call a dream a dream; why let T.'s contagion
devastate me?
T. practically sane all day.
---Naturally!---
Recovered but pitiably normal.
Wednesday 17. Half asleep, a wonderful vision pure orange
from blood on cerise a la Rembrandt. It equal to a Dhyana,
quite.
Crossed to Gibraltar. T. in for a bad attack--cut short by
favourable telegram. His condition this evening far better
than I have ever known bar the one day when he got a Glimpse. He
discussed Elant and sex both quite sanely.
Thursday 18. To Algeciras, Bobadilla, Granada (11 hours).
Got to see Gipsies dance and find the houses. Taib Mesmundi a
drunken and lecherous ruffian, entirely unreliable. So *that*
scheme is at an end! The only hope would be to live in Fez for a
bit, learn Arabic hard, and pick up an uncorrupted man.
Friday 19. 10.20 A.M. Sat down in Alhambra (balcony turret)
10.40. In my Irrawady ordeal, the mortar of the Universe gave
way. Today {150} the stones themselves crumble and dissolve.
There is no meaning in any idea; all statements are not only
false and true, but unintelligible. (This is the hell of Binah.)
11.30. A struggle to "understand all things". Passing
through Tatwic colour visions, Qesheth, etc. I came to darkness,
but the barrier holds, and even Adonai's glory is denied; perhaps
because I kept affirming the impressions to be Adonai. No
ananda.
P.M. Cathedral well enough if you own it and can be alone.
CATENA reveals architectural truth for Crowleyanity.
Simplicity--one decoration at a time.
6.00-7.30. Sun-gazing in Western Tower. More infernal
Tatwas; much emotion; devil a sign of Dhyana.
10.P.M. La Gitana Saliya. O the roses of the world!
11.20. Sleep, alas. (19th--I guess attachment was what
spoilt all this.)
---The last sentence refers to the disappointment of the
18th. They had intended to establish a magickal
headquarters in Spain.---
Saturday 20. Back to Gibraltar.
Sunday 21. To bullfight at La Linea. (diagram)
On board Reichspostdampfschiff.Scharnhorst fur S'hampton.
Wrote "La Gitana".
---Published as part of Konx Om Pax.---
Monday 22. Wrote "Return of Messalina"a.
---Ibidem. All those poems appear in "The Stone of the
Philosophers".---
Tuesday 23. Rose's 52nd birthday.
---This is in sharp contradiction with the age ascribed
to her elsewhere; she was supposed to be 33 in 1907 e.v.
There are two possibe interpretations; one, qabalistic,
the other, that he thought she had that appearance at
the time. Both could be true at once; we know he was
very annoyed at her for burning his MSS., and she would
not have appreciated this version of her {151} years,
even qabalistically.---
Wednesday 24. Major Brooke will put me up at Club Gibraltar,
etc. etc.
---This means that by now the riff with Tankerville had
turned into a full parting of the ways.---
Thursday 25. Arrived S'hampton and to London.
Round Cla'hurst in 86.
---Obviously, his newly-acquired golf skill remained
unimpaired.---
Thursday 1 August. Lady T.'s mean letter.
---Good Lady T. must have jumped at this opportunity to
please her husband by writing a mean letter to Crowley,
and thus increasing the distance between a husband and a
man who might deviate some of his fortune to some other
end than herself.---
Neuburg at Cla'hurst.
Friday 2. Concerning CATENA.
Revealed to me that all my energy is mere stupidity. The Way
of the Dao is just as valid in Geburah as in any other Sephira.
A hard lesson to learn! Just as I am becoming accustomed to
strife.
Monday 5. Eclectic company, 2 rounds.
Best Bull 74-7 = 67. Would have been better if I could have
got a match in P.M.
Friday 9. To London and saw V.N.
---Volo Noscere, not Victor Neuburg, who was with him in
"Cla'hurst".---
Lady T. disappears again. V.N. helps to convert Rose to the
Way of the Dao.
---Now this would have been a miracle greater than all
those in the Bible, if it could have lasted.---
Monday 12. Wote Nexus for the odd 15 lyrics. {152}
For a child reading the Bible: "Searching the dung heap of
futility for the pearl of indecency."
---Well, he was in a position to know, having been
brought up on the silly thing.---
Wednesday 11, September. Wrote prologue for "Konx Om Pax".
Thursday 12. To Guilford, Hotel Sandwich. Beginning to
concentrate on concentration.
Friday 13. Revised dedication of "Konx Om Pax".
Saturday 14. Corbelt knows Blumenfeldt, editor "Daily
Express".
Wrote odd things. `The Hermit', `Empty-headed Athenians',
`The Convert'.
Sunday 22 September. Trying to keep Sun in Libra. Password
is "Amphora".
Thursday 26 September. Astral bells at night--just as I'm
going to sleep comes the rattle. This happened 5 times. I got
up and started Yoga. No good.
---The gaps in the Diary are significant. Days in which
he entered nothing sometimes were too full to write down
anything. This is, unfortunately, a common occurrence
during magickal work. Often, one's entries are totally
meaningless to the profane.---
Friday 27. Rose again unmasked. From Uridge, only--120
bottles in 150 days.
Sunday 29 September. Up to the Retreat.
arranged [Hebrew letter Tau] for Luna. [Arabic writing]
[Arabic writing]
Questions to ask Agamya.
---Again, the "Mahatma" demolished by Fuller in EQUINOX
I 4. The {153} answers given here, incidentally, are
quite useful, and at total variance with the
imbecilities attributed to the Hindu in Fuller's
article.---
Is it better to go on till one gets so sick of it one has a
bust, or to avoid impulse by anticipation?
---Either Agamya did not answer this, or Crowley did not
ask the question after all, or Crowley did not like the
answer. So far as our experience goes, the answer is
that one should persist until one gets the result or
busts. The "bust" is failure; in the best (or the
lucky) cases more or less temporary; but occasionally it
produces permanent madness, selective amnesia,
paralysis, death, or persistent *spiritual* cowardice
like Glyndon's in "Zanoni".---
What is it when one forgets everything, who one is, what one
is doing, etc.? A. A good sign.
---Notice that Crowley knew about this before he asked,
and was, therefore, merely testing Agamya's competence
when he asked the question.---
What are signs of good progress? A. Interest in work itself.
---That is, enjoying what one is doing. No one enjoys
it in the beginning, unless one is not doing it right.
Cf. LIBER 333, Ch. 13.
This has nothing to do with masochism, which is
self-indulgence in a very literal sense. It has to do
with the difficulty of producing new rhythms in
consciousness, or developing faculties that are just
mutation-nodes; or--in some extreme cases--willing
mutation itself.---
Give me Hatha Yoga practice to make body strong. A. The
practice itself helps.
---*Any* practice helps, inderectly, if done
persistently, prudently, and cumulatively. In Hatha
Yoga it is extremely unwise to aim at "quick" results.
The process is entirely analogous to athletic training,
with one tremendous difference: no competitiveness is
involved. You are not trying to beat others; you are
merely trying to improve yourself. As a matter of fact,
athletic competition, if carried beyond a limit of
harmonious development, becomes a liability. Among the
ancient Greeks, the athlete was supposed to have a
beautiful body. (Only the men, among the Athenians; but
the women also, among the Spartans--and the Spartans won
the Peloponnesian War for this reason.) The modern
worship of "records" makes harmonious (that is to say,
beautiful) muscular development the {154} exception,
rather than the rule. Athletes over-specialize to win
medals, forgetting that the primary purpose of the
Olympiads was to produce "mens sana in corpore sano".
Athletes were not only supposed to show beautiful
bodies; they were supposed to show beautiful minds. The
competition included poetry reciting, drama acting,
music playing, singing, prose writing--and all this was
to be done by the same athletes who won prizes with just
their bodies. The Olympiad champion was a well-rounded
man, as the expression goes. It is sad that a
well-rounded woman was not considered by the Athenians!
Nowadays, a well-rounded man, or a well-rounded woman,
are not Olympic concepts at all. The very title of the
competition should be significant. Olympiads: from
Olympus, the home of the Gods. The godlike man, or the
godlike woman, is he or she who has best cultivated the
most of his or her own self. At any time.---
What is the cause of that extreme distaste for meditation
which catches one and is almost insuperable? A. It seems to
be a reflection in will of the thought-wandering. N.B.: If in
life one's thought wandered as it does in meditating, one would
be practically an idiot.
---This answer was not very satisfactory. The distaste
arises from the fact that what one is trying to
accomplish is not "natural", in the sense that it goes
against the natural inertia of the status quo. This is
as true of social change as it is of individual change.
Evolution, according to Darwin, was aleatory efficient
mutation--(efficiency being defined very much on
Daoistic lines). But there is *controlled* or
*voluntary* mutation, as well. And this is merely a
synonym for Initiation. Let scientists mind!---
Monday 30. Settling down about 5.30 to work on Agamya's lines.
[Here is drawn a C-shape, with two nail-shapes protruding
from the middle of the curve on the left side.]
came not (owing to failure to pass the Gate of the West.)
Wrote.
Tuesday 1, October. The Mahatma answers: Persevere through
all things; they will defeat you; get up and fight again. He
gives me a new name written in a white stone:
[Here is some symbolic writing I cannot identify.]
Vicitrananda. Exceptional bliss. {155}
Wednesday 2. A day in the country. R. quite nice, thanks to
moral shock.
10.04. Took 1 gr. Hashish.
10.25. Conclusion of a meal of ginger and nisks. Some slight
effect is possibly taking place. Composing myself to meditation.
10.40. Very sleepy. Cannot meditate properly.
11.30. Gave up even the desultory reading with which I amused
myself.
During this time, though, I designed KONX OM PAX cover.
Thursday 3. An abject day of utter misery. Couldn't settle down
to any mortal things--much less Yoga.
12.50 A.M. One gets vague feelings of calm, indifference,
detachment, solitude, non-existence of everything, etc. quite as
experience, yet not fulminating and of catastrophic vividness.
Just before going to sleep, a sharp single clear bell.
Friday 4. 11.40 P.M. This entry means that I meant to start
seriously--and didn't.
---The above note was written the next day, at 8 A.M.---
Meditating off and on--mostly off.
Saturday 5. 8.20 A.M. Have been about half an hour very feeble
and worried by foolish ideas. Took 1.5 gr. Cann. Ind. and
continued meditation. Added 3 gr. Quinine and 1/20 gr.
Strychnine to counteract the hypnotic action.
11.00 Awoke refreshed.
[Here is drawn a C-shape, with two nail-shapes protruding from
the center of the curve on the left side]
([symbol described above] got letter.)
Sunday 6. By my magical power, under the instruction of my
Spiritual Director, I did attract unto myself [symbols for
astrological sign Libra and planet Jupiter], being the First
Matter of the Great Work. Various symbolic shapes with some
approach to Ananda.
Monday 7. Saw [symbol described above] by chance in Ludgate
Hill. Waved wildly. {156}
Met Mrs. J.R. and discussed Hatha Yoga scheme. I seem to be
full of Prana, so that I attract folks. Perhpas from Yoga,
perhaps from Chastity.
Read M.'s book and noted errors.
---As we can see, the Mahatma is beginning to lose his
charms. Quite possibly, his foremost error was to call
himself the 666th incarnation of something or other!---
Tuesday 8. [symbol described above] again fears to come.
(Good Hatha Yoga practice: Hold one leg in opposite hand.
Repeat mantra. When practiced, revolve body on hips,
rhythmically. Simple balance for 5 minutes can be done right
off.)
About 9.35. Light blaze [Hebrew letter: Mem] on head--very
brilliant. Later head swelled and became like a bright night-sky
filled with fleecy clouds. olive oil about 7.45.
Shall eat a small meal of sorts to try and bring out the
hashish.
Ate a peach and some potted partridge.
(Good Hatha Yoga practice: Hold one leg in opposite hand.
Repeat mantra. When practiced, revolve body on hips,
rhythmically. Simple balance for
---(illegible)---
can be done right off.)
About 9.35. Light-blaze [here is drawn an upright triangle
with five rays down the right side, five rays down the left
side, and one ray from the top point] on head--very brilliant.
Later head swelled and became like the night-sky filled with
fleecy clouds.
9.48-10.03. Pranayama, 10-20-30.
The goddess Kali appeared, very black but strangely beautiful.
Also tried to reaveal her glory, and I was too fearful or dull--I
know not which.
10.20. Very sleepy. Heard astral bell again--the mnrrrrrn
one.
Wednesday 9 October. Down to Cla'hurst. Bowley.
Thursday 10. Back from Cla'hurst. Meditating on and off.
Friday 11. Again by chance met [Here is drawn a C-shape with two
nail-shapes emanating from the center of the curve on the left
side] in Cockspur St. Five times by chance within 13 days!
A long silent interview with Mahatma. {157}
---This simply means that the two men sat together
meditating.---
The Year's work:
A Queen of Quality I-VII
Table of Correspondences & prologue
Ali Sloper ---
Thien Tao |
The Wake-World |----KONX OM PAX
The Stone of Abiegnus |
Prologue to "Konx Om Pax"---
The Tell-Tale Heart
Epigrams from Martial
Hymns to the B.V.M.
---B.V.M.--"Blessed Virgin Mary" (Cf. "Amphora")). This
inspection of the year's work is due to the fact that
the next day was to be his birthday.---
Saturday 12. More silent interview with Mahatma--saw new moon
*without* wishing, but said Gayatri.
Sunday 13. Midnight. Wrote the alleged "Girls" goat-song and
A.B.D.
A far from silent interview with Mahatma at the weekly
meeting.
---He described the interview in a note to Fuller:---
"There was a devil of a row at 60 last night. M.
pressed me to come to his weekly entertainment; so I
came. He urged me to speak; so I spoke. He then
revealed his divine self in an exceptionally able
manner; I refrained from revealing mine. His divine
self reminded one rather of a `Navvy's Saturday
Night', by Battersea Burns".
---What probably happened was that Crowley, urged to
speak, chose to speak of Agamya's book, pointing out the
mistakes he ahd discovered in it. He may, or may not,
have mentioned the one about being the 666th incarnation
of, etc. etc.
The best interviews with Mahatmas are always
silent.---
Lunched with Tweed.
Monday 14. "The Regeneration of Lavinia King". {158}
---Since "Lavinia King" was the pseudonym he chose for
Isadora Duncan in "Moonchild", it is possible that this
was his first idea for the book.---
Tuesday 15. Saw Jones. Also, `the Christian'.
---This was probably his mother, because of the
following quotation.---
"Aven't larfed so much since muvver died."
Went on with `Crown me with poppy leaves'.
Saturday 19. Began novel, pp. 1-15.
---This was to become `Ercildoune'. As we can see, he
was pretty busy all in all.
Rost at Cla'hurst.---
Sunday 20. pp.16-83, 9 P.M.-12.
---Sixty-seven handwritten pages in three hours is not
bad. It also shows how the novel was quickly written.
Indeed, at times one wishes he had developed some of the
incidents more explicitly.---
Returned to London with Rost.
Monday 21. pp. 84-120 circa 12-3 A.M.
Tuesday 22. Rost's letter ordering 6 copies of each of my
books for Buddhist Society of Eng. 14 Biny St. W.E.
Lav. K.?
---The interrogation mark means he was not sure he
worked on the book then. Many of these entries were
done two, three days after the fact, sometimes more, as
it is obvious from the context.---
Wenesday 23. Finished "Ercildoune".
Thursday 24. Here begins the last stage of `Solve' for the
next fortnight. I was at it all along.
Monday 28. Lav. K.? {159}
Tuesday 29. 5.30. Took 2.5 gr. Cann. Ind. before or with
tea.
6.25. Still reading "Two New Worlds". Lit kif pipe.
6.50. Turning to Meditation and Prayer.
7.40. Nuffin' come of anyfink.
(This sample of Hashish was quite inert through age.)
Wednesday 30. 1.30 A.M. About 11 (I suppose) I began the
7fold Word and finished the same.
Now, was this Hashish, or the Incense--of [Here are drawn
three flag-shaped symbols, the flags pointing left]--or just a.c.
or the Lapis Ring?
a.c. had been meditating a book on Bhakti for some time.
---Vivekananda's "Bhakta Yoga" Putting his initials in
common script means he thought of himself just as an
instrument, and not a very important one at that, when
he wrote this.
The "Sevenfold Word" is, of course, Liber VII.---
1.00 P.M. Now, there wasn't a shadow of any Samadhi; yet this
morning I feel just as if there had been.
Evening. I actually see a reason for a temple again!
Expecting an august visitor, one gets everything ready.
Wrote I & II Liber Cordis Cincti Serpente. Again, no shadow
of Samadhi; only a feeling that V.V.V.V.V. was in His Samadhi,
and writing by my pen: i.e., the pen of the scribe, and that
scribe not [Greek letters: Omicron-Upsilon Mu-Eta], who
reasons, etc, nor a.c., who is a poet & selects; but of some
perfectly passive person.
Friday 1 November. 11.30 P.M. Wrote III and half IV L.C.C.S.
till 3 A.M. of Saturday, when I slept for a few hours.
[Arabic writing]
[Arabic writing]
Saturday 2. 12.30 noon. Finished IV L.C.C.S.
Sunday 3. The L.C.C.S. finished, I think (I write much
later).
No doubt I am in Binah; `absence of definite Samadhi' only
meant `no ananda'. Now, this absence of all the phenomena is
just what constitutes 8'=3[]. I can, I know, get into touch with
Adonai at will, and I have not gone back for a single moment
since. (today is the 16th) {160}
E.G., the old dreary purposeless misery of vacillation in the
streets continues at times, but is enjoyed.
I want nothing; but do my work with confidence and no hope or
fear.
---To the above entry is added the following, much
later, and dated:---
(True. Nov. 29)
Wednesday 6 November. Fuller back about now.
Thursday 7. Saw M.L. re C2H6O.
Saturday 9. M.L. at Cla'hurst.
Monday 11. Rose sees M.L.
Tuesday 12. Rose up. Trouble.
Wednesday 13. Down at Cla'hurst. Trouble.
Thursday 14. Up again in town.
A nice game. [Hebrew letters from left to right: Lamed,
Aleph. Next to these is drawn an upright right-oriented
feather.]
Friday 15. A good game. [Here is drawn an upright
left-oriented feather.]
Saw D.D.S. and got him to consent to [here is drawn an
upright equilateral triangle.].
---This probably means that he got D.D.S. (George Cecil
Jones) to consent to participate in the initial A.'.
A.'. Triad.
It can be stated that it was on that day, and at that
moment, that the old "Golden Dawn" finally died
magickally, to resurrect as the Outer Order of the A.'.
A.'. Many people, including second-raters like Israel
Regardie, have tried to make the public forget the fact
that the Golden Dawn *still* exists--the legitimate
Golden Dawn, that is--and forms the Outer Order of the
A.'. A.'. It is, of course, far superior in every sense
to the old organization, and much closer to what Soror
S.D.A. had intended; which is perhaps the reason why
McMurtry, Grant and Regardie never could advance far in
it. Regardie, specially, fell back into the equivalent
of necrophilia.--- {161}
Saturday 16. Rewrote Preliminary Lection.
---Now Liber LXI as it stands.---
Sunday 17. Fuller at 60. M. threatens to murder him, and
falls paralysed or dead as if, etc.
---This, probably from Fuller's report. Agamya had not
really died, just fainted; possibly the result of a
congestion.---
Monday 18. Called at 14 Biny St. and found it shut up!
Rose went to Leicester.
Friday 22. Wrote Rost re the extraordinary conduct of his
man.
Saturday 23. A.L. in town. Met A.K.J.
Sunday 24. Fuller and Laird.
Mrs. & F., 58 Park St.
Monday 25. Wrote LXVI, Stella Rubea.
Monday 2 December. Heard from Rost, he will enquire what is
wrong.
[Greek letters: Sigma-Phi-Iota-Gamma-Xi], all A.M.
One long, continuous etc.
Tuesday 3. Finished a Q of the Q Series VIII and last.
Heard from Ff. My arrow struck home.
About now wrote Arcana in Atus of Tahuti, Sigils of genii,
etc.
---Which eventually became Liber 231.---
Sunday 8. Cambridge.
Thursday 12. Liber Porta Lucis (Partly on Wednesday).
Viarum Viae. {162}
Friday 13. Midnight. Liber [Hebrew letter: Tau] (K. 3
Literarum)
To Leicester.
A.K.J. and Hachenschmidt.
Saturday 14. Liber Trigrammaton, and copied Sigilla 22.
Sunday 15. Returning to Hatha Yoga.
Repeated the Oyster experiment. No confusion; but I sang
`Ovariotomy' at the top of my voice all down Piccadilly. Only
Fuller's absence saved me from going to preach at Marble Arch!
Looking back on the year, it seems one continuous ecstacy,
save for the Rose trouble and the Tankerville nagging. The
Morocco poems seem to me about the best I have ever done. Nor
since my attainment in October has there been any falling away
whatever. I am able to do automatic writing at will and the
absence of great Ananda--full Samadhi is rather a sign of my
attainment rather than its reverse. I cannot doubt that I am an
8'=3[]; i.e., a 1'=10[] of the Supernal Order. My work as scribe
seems the 3'=8[] exam as Founder of new Order, the 2'=9[] and as
? the 4'=7[] ....... and yet all this Supernal Order seems
vague and unreal. At last I've got to a stage where desire has
utterly failed: I want nothing.
Monday 16. A.K.J. cut 8 S.
Future [here is drawn an upright equilateral triangle] of
[here is drawn an upright equilateral triangle] between Teth and
Tau with A P and Tzaddi beyond.
Curious vague depression most of day. I think the Sigilla 22
have a very unpleasant influence.
Tuesday 17. With D.D.S. Depression cured.
Wednesday 18. Met L. King by chance.
[Here is drawn an upright right-oriented feather.]
People are sure to turn everything the wrong way round--it
should make one awfully careless about what one says. {163}
---A very interestng slip, if it was a slip, this
"careless". Either he meant *careful* and wrote the
wrong word, or he meant that it is no use trying to
measure one's words: since they will be misunderstood
anyway, perhaps if you spout folly people will
understand wisdom, while if you try to be wise people
will hear foolishness. Not a very pleasant prospect if
you are vain, or if you "care" for other people!---
Saturday 21 December. Golf.
Sunday 22. Golf.
Fuller.
Monday 23. M. Tyson.
Again depression.
---The depression was in great part due to the energy
being spent in the founding of the new Order. It left
the instrument depleted, and he was not advanced enough
yet to perceive the cause. Cf. Letter XXIII, page 110
(the last paragraph) and page 111, the first five
paragraphs, of "Magick Without Tears". The original
edition, of course--not Regardie's imbecile
"abridgement" of something he was totally incapable even
just to read. In the new forthcoming O.T.O. edition,
consult the General Index for the word "Elasticity".---
Wednesday 25. God helping me, I will this next year perform
the irrational abominable things that I should ere this have
done. That I may Yield.
---Cf. LXV i 44-46 and our introduction to Leah
Sublime---
Thursday 26. Is sexual periodicity dependent with poetic?
E.g., if I come on heat, and can't get a woman and won't use
ny hand, shall I write a "Light of Asia" in the morning?
(Wrote "The Wizard Way" at late night to 3 A.M.)
Monday 30. Sent demand to Buddhist Society. {164}
Tuesday 31. The Honorable(?) Secretary of the Buddhist
Society comes round and refuses to pay.
---Cf. entry of October 22. Thus the year of 1907 e.v.
ended for Crowley on a prophetic note: people have been
using him, and refusing to pay for the use, ever since.
If you doubt it, here is a goodly list, with some
reminders;
Buddhist Society.
George Raffalovich.
Arthur Edward Waite.
Violet M. Firth ("Dion Fortune").
Peter Ouspensky.
Israel Regardie.
Charles Stanfeld Jones.
Louis Culling.
G.K. Chesterton.
Dennis Wheatley.
J.B. Rhine (Cf. Liber E vel Exercitiorum, Section
II).
"Ayn Rand".
C.G. Jung.
The "authors" of the Human Rights Charter of the
"United" Nations (Cf. Liber OZ)
L. Ron Hubbard.
Dr. Alfred Kinsey.
John Symonds.
Grady and Phyllis McMurtry.
Jack Parsons.
Wilfrid Smith.
Helen Parsons Smith.
Kenneth Grant.
Joseph Metzger.
Oskar Schlag.
Fred Mendel.
Donald Weiser.
James Wasserman.
Robert Anton Wilson. {165}
Peter Macfarlane.
James Page.
John Lennon.
H. Spencer Lewis.
Several wealthy "Maharishis".
Anton La Vey.
Robert Heinlein.
And an entire recent crop of so-called writers on
so-called occultism, so-called sexology, so-called
witchcraft, so-called satanism, so-called psychology and
so-called politics.---
{166}
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